225: The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins

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1. 00:00:00 All right, Cory, I am back from Craft and Commerce and ready to talk about books.
2. 00:00:06 How about you?
3. 00:00:07 Well, I never left.
4. 00:00:09 I remodeled a bathroom and if we lived in the same town, I would have known you were
5. 00:00:15 gone, but we lived very far away, so I had no idea you're even gone.
6. 00:00:20 It's true.
7. 00:00:21 It's true.
8. 00:00:22 For a pro show listeners, I talked through some of the highlights of the Craft and Commerce
9. 00:00:25 conference for me, but I put the plug here to that people should totally go to this conference.
10. 00:00:31 It's amazing.
11. 00:00:32 Met so many incredible people, learned a ton, got around other creators who are doing the
12. 00:00:38 same things, definitely big wind in my sails coming back from this one.
13. 00:00:42 I told Rachel, our schedule is never really aligned while I was there because I was basically
14. 00:00:48 busy until I'm walking back to the hotel like 10 o'clock at night, which is 11 o'clock
15. 00:00:52 her time, but this and our trip to London last year were the two best weeks of my life.
16. 00:01:00 That's awesome.
17. 00:01:01 Yeah, that's awesome.
18. 00:01:03 When I go to conferences and stuff or to lead workshops and stuff, Katie's the same way.
19. 00:01:06 She's like, I plan on not hearing from you other than a text or maybe a very quick call.
20. 00:01:12 She's like, because you're usually out until 9 or 10, talking to people when networking
21. 00:01:15 and she's like, and then I'm toast because I've had the kids all day, so yeah, it makes
22. 00:01:20 it rough.
23. 00:01:21 So if you're interested in, here and Mike talk about crafting commerce, it is intriguing
24. 00:01:27 enough to make me go to the website and think about registering right now, so I don't put
25. 00:01:33 it off and then decide, oh, I'll get to it, I'll get to it and never get to it because
26. 00:01:38 it sounds like a really cool event.
27. 00:01:39 It sounds like the right size event.
28. 00:01:41 And then from everything I've ever heard about Boise, Boise sounds awesome.
29. 00:01:44 So there's a really good chance I'm going to try to go next year.
30. 00:01:48 We should totally come and we should record Bookworm Live in one of those kit studios.
31. 00:01:53 Wow, that'd be awesome.
32. 00:01:55 That would be awesome.
33. 00:01:56 Yeah.
34. 00:01:57 That would be.
35. 00:01:58 That would be so good.
36. 00:01:59 All right, let's, let's do some follow up here.
37. 00:02:02 So we've got a couple of items here.
38. 00:02:05 I'll go through mine first.
39. 00:02:07 So revisit my affirmations.
40. 00:02:09 I've looked at these and thought a little bit about what to add or take away to them,
41. 00:02:14 but I haven't done enough work with them.
42. 00:02:16 So I didn't really make any changes.
43. 00:02:18 I don't know if that means I'm happy with the way that they are and I'm just going
44. 00:02:20 to leave them for now.
45. 00:02:22 Or if I really need to dig a little bit deeper, mention to you, you know, is that crafting
46. 00:02:26 commerce?
47. 00:02:27 And it was incredible, but it was a whirlwind and definitely didn't have a whole lot of
48. 00:02:33 extra time.
49. 00:02:34 In fact, I finished the book.
50. 00:02:36 I started this book Saturday morning and I finished it Sunday night, but this is the
51. 00:02:44 kind of book you could do that with, right?
52. 00:02:45 It's like, it's 20 short chapters, so you could actually, you could get away with that
53. 00:02:49 for this book.
54. 00:02:50 Oh, by the way, story about that.
55. 00:02:52 I got a public shame somebody here, Blake, you're a pilot, you can weigh in on this.
56. 00:02:57 All right.
57. 00:02:58 So on the way from Minneapolis to Appleton, I was in my seat.
58. 00:03:06 There's two seats across, right?
59. 00:03:07 And there it's those tiny little regional jets.
60. 00:03:11 So the lights are like, the overhead bins are pretty tiny and the lights are like off
61. 00:03:16 to the side.
62. 00:03:17 I always get the aisle seat if I can.
63. 00:03:18 So I had the aisle seat, the guy next to me, who at this point had already taken off
64. 00:03:23 his crocs and was sitting there in his bare feet, decided that he didn't want my light
65. 00:03:29 on anymore because I was reading this book and he just reached up and turned it off.
66. 00:03:33 And I was like, excuse me?
67. 00:03:36 Yeah.
68. 00:03:37 Yeah, for sure.
69. 00:03:38 Yeah.
70. 00:03:39 The phone's on, you know, and he's watching this thing on his phone and he's looking the
71. 00:03:42 other way and I was eating my snack or whatever.
72. 00:03:46 So I just kind of left it for a minute or two.
73. 00:03:49 And then because I was reading this book, you know, I was like, yep, real slow, real
74. 00:03:57 deliberate, turned it back on, didn't say anything else, but it's like, you can't do
75. 00:04:04 that.
76. 00:04:05 No, you can't do that.
77. 00:04:06 No, you can't do that.
78. 00:04:07 For those of you who haven't read the book yet, there's a whole story in there about
79. 00:04:11 her being on an airplane in a guy coffin behind her and like she asked him not to cough and
80. 00:04:16 he like deliberately just keeps coughing without covering his mouth.
81. 00:04:20 So that's the, that's what Mike's referring to right now is that he had an airplane experience
82. 00:04:23 while he was reading this book.
83. 00:04:25 And the only thing that would make this like the perfect, perfect story is if you were
84. 00:04:31 reading that part while this happened, right?
85. 00:04:33 But I can't imagine the timing of that worked out.
86. 00:04:36 I mean, I was pretty close, but I don't think I was at that part.
87. 00:04:40 Yeah.
88. 00:04:41 I think I, because I remember recalling that story in the moment and I was like, this really
89. 00:04:47 just happened.
90. 00:04:48 Yeah, exactly.
91. 00:04:49 It's crazy.
92. 00:04:50 Anyways, so yeah, I got to revisit my affirmations and I need to do a better job of identifying
93. 00:04:56 my shutdown ritual.
94. 00:04:57 That was the other one I had on here.
95. 00:05:00 And again, I don't really feel like this is done because I haven't had a chance to
96. 00:05:04 practice this.
97. 00:05:06 However, the specific thing with the shutdown ritual was I wanted to interject some joy
98. 00:05:10 into it and I can confirm I have my new like writing desk set up in my office, which is
99. 00:05:18 off in the corner.
100. 00:05:19 So I have like a dedicated space for recording like YouTube videos, recording podcasts and
101. 00:05:24 then dedicated desk where I like to do the, through the writing in a tiny little room.
102. 00:05:28 It's pretty cramped in here, but it all works.
103. 00:05:32 And in the writing space, I have a Ugg Monk analog holder with my three tasks for the
104. 00:05:40 day.
105. 00:05:41 I've got my fancy notebook, which I leave on the arm of the L-shaped desk with my time
106. 00:05:47 blog plan.
107. 00:05:49 And I get so much joy out of grabbing that card and just ripping it in half and then
108. 00:05:54 throwing it in the garbage can.
109. 00:05:56 Yeah, I can see that.
110. 00:05:58 So I guess kind of yellow for that one.
111. 00:06:03 But I still think that there's probably some more work that could be done to that.
112. 00:06:08 How about you?
113. 00:06:09 What was your action item?
114. 00:06:11 All right.
115. 00:06:12 So my only action item out of the last book was that I was going to try to identify where
116. 00:06:16 I've developed pregame or preshot routines.
117. 00:06:19 This is the absolute worst time for me to do this because it's like the period of the
118. 00:06:26 year where my schedule is the least consistent.
119. 00:06:31 It's all over the place.
120. 00:06:33 I told Mike in the pre-show that it's like I, you know, I redid a bathroom out of nowhere.
121. 00:06:38 Like, you know, it's like just kind of stuff happens at this point in life.
122. 00:06:42 So I don't have as many pre-shot or pregame routines, but what I'll tell you is the one
123. 00:06:47 that really consistently jumped out at me was the setting myself up in the evening for whatever
124. 00:06:55 I'm going to do in the morning.
125. 00:06:57 I get up very, very early.
126. 00:06:59 So I am very much, what would we refer to them as larks before, right?
127. 00:07:04 Like I'm not a night owl.
128. 00:07:05 I'm much more of a lark.
129. 00:07:07 And if I can set myself up well the night before, everything goes better in the morning.
130. 00:07:12 So that's the biggest pregame I have.
131. 00:07:13 I think Mike was right in terms of last show when we were talking about the fact that I
132. 00:07:19 have something for teaching.
133. 00:07:20 It's just I'm not in that mode right now.
134. 00:07:22 So I don't know exactly what my routine is for teaching.
135. 00:07:26 But then the other one that jumps out at me as, you know, as you prep for talking about
136. 00:07:30 a book for an hour and a half, I definitely have a pregame routine when it comes to feeling
137. 00:07:36 prepared and ready for us to go through the book and talk about it intelligently and be
138. 00:07:41 prepared.
139. 00:07:42 And as much as Mike probably doesn't understand based on the audio and the last one, I actually
140. 00:07:47 do go through a pregame routine for making sure that the audio sounds as good as it can.
141. 00:07:53 So yeah, I have them there, but those are the main places I identified them.
142. 00:07:59 I think kids give you a pregame routine in terms of do you have your water bottles, do
143. 00:08:02 you have your shoes, do you have your, you have your, you know, the juicer restroom,
144. 00:08:05 like all that stuff.
145. 00:08:06 So it was cool to think about those and kind of think about those more intentionally.
146. 00:08:11 So that was my own the action item coming from coming from last book.
147. 00:08:15 Nice. And I'm kind of curious, you know, if you listened to the last episode and you
148. 00:08:23 noticed a decrease in audio quality, because my guest Corey is that most people didn't
149. 00:08:27 notice it all.
150. 00:08:28 I hope, I hope they did not.
151. 00:08:30 So, so for those of you, if you want to learn a little bit about, you know, inside baseball,
152. 00:08:35 you're sitting there, right?
153. 00:08:36 You're recording, everything's going well, you're, I don't even know, Mike, how like
154. 00:08:39 we were like 35, probably 40 minutes into the show, like we were, I mean, we were deep
155. 00:08:42 into the recording. And then above me, they just start, I don't know if they were sanding
156. 00:08:48 the floor or, you know, chiseling the tile up off the floor, whatever, but there's nothing
157. 00:08:53 you can do. I mean, you can't, like you're in the flow, like you can't just pause and
158. 00:08:57 there was no way I could, I could do anything.
159. 00:08:59 So thank you, Mike, for your hard work to denoise that one. And I apologize that the
160. 00:09:05 flooring guys got us.
161. 00:09:08 That's all right.
162. 00:09:09 Yeah, it wasn't bad until the end of the episode when I was reviewing it, I could tell kind
163. 00:09:13 of just because not even when you were talking, but when you stop talking, there was a little
164. 00:09:17 bit of a gating effect with the audio.
165. 00:09:19 Yep.
166. 00:09:20 But my guess is that nobody even noticed.
167. 00:09:23 I hope so.
168. 00:09:24 I hope so.
169. 00:09:25 All right, ready to talk about today's book?
170. 00:09:28 Let's do this.
171. 00:09:29 Okay, so today's book is The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. And this one actually was
172. 00:09:40 a listener recommendation. So this was recommended by Carol Lawrey. So thank you, Carol, because
173. 00:09:48 spoiler alert, I really enjoyed this one.
174. 00:09:51 Okay.
175. 00:09:52 Very good.
176. 00:09:53 I wasn't sure I would. So were you familiar with Mel Robbins before we picked up this
177. 00:09:57 book?
178. 00:09:58 Yeah, very, very briefly. Like I did not know the names of her other books. I knew she
179. 00:10:04 was very popular in like the social media space and the YouTube space and stuff like
180. 00:10:10 that. But that's really all I knew. I had never read anything else or even looked into
181. 00:10:15 what other books she had written at all ever.
182. 00:10:18 Yeah, I had not either. Like I kind of knew that she had this enormous podcast, but honestly
183. 00:10:27 I've never even listened to it. So didn't know what to expect at all going into this.
184. 00:10:34 This is not the first book by Mel Robbins. We'll get into the other one here when we
185. 00:10:39 get to the the introduction section probably. But in terms of structure, it's laid out a
186. 00:10:44 little bit different. So I want to just explain this to the listeners before we actually start
187. 00:10:52 getting into the discussion. So there's an introduction. Then there is a section called
188. 00:10:57 the let them theory, which is the first two chapters. And then there is a section title
189. 00:11:03 you and the let them theory. And this has kind of subsections below this. So like managing
190. 00:11:11 stress is chapters three and four. Fearing other people's opinions is chapters five
191. 00:11:16 and six. There's four sections in that bigger section. And then there's another third section
192. 00:11:24 here, which is your relationship, your relationships and the let them theory. And again, they're
193. 00:11:29 broken into these subsections, managing adult friendships, motivating other people to change,
194. 00:11:33 helping someone is struggling, choosing the love you deserve. And then finally a conclusion.
195. 00:11:38 So the terms of like the mind map outline for this, it looks kind of weird. I figured
196. 00:11:45 what we would do is not try to cover all 20 chapters, but basically the different like
197. 00:11:51 bolded subsections underneath those two big main sections, if that makes sense to you.
198. 00:11:56 I was hoping you were going to do it that way, because like, I was like, man, to do
199. 00:11:59 all 20 chapters, I just feel like it's going to be two piecemeal. So I like the way you
200. 00:12:02 broke it. I like the way you broke the outline down. Cool. Yeah, she does a pretty good job
201. 00:12:06 of like grouping the related topics together. So I think that that makes makes the most sense
202. 00:12:13 in terms of the podcast. Now the book itself is roughly 300 pages. I think it's just under
203. 00:12:20 300 pages. And then there are a couple of appendices. So there's how to apply, let them
204. 00:12:26 in a parenting, how to apply, let them to teams, let me acknowledge you. There's a bibliography
205. 00:12:32 about Mel and then how to stay in touch. So altogether, I guess that's 325 pages, according
206. 00:12:38 to the table contents. Did it feel like 300 pages to you though? It did not. No, me either.
207. 00:12:45 And technically it's not because each one of those subsections has its own like title
208. 00:12:49 page. And then occasionally there are like full page one line quotes from Mel, which are
209. 00:12:55 really good. But yeah, it's definitely not. It's not a slog. It's not hard to get through
210. 00:13:09 this one at all. It's kind of weird because it's not like over the top storytelling. It
211. 00:13:17 doesn't feel like a thrilling page turner in a sense, but it just feels really tight.
212. 00:13:24 And she's got information that she's sharing. So you just keep going. It's pretty easy to
213. 00:13:31 read. I don't know the total word count. I think it's probably slightly longer than
214. 00:13:35 your average nonfiction book, but not a ton. Yeah, I thought it was very straightforward
215. 00:13:42 and easy to read as well. I thought the stories were appropriate and blended in nicely with
216. 00:13:49 the point she was trying to make. It was an easy, clean read. And I like the breakdown.
217. 00:13:54 Like I like the way she broke it down and the structure of the. Cool. Well, let's dive
218. 00:14:00 into the introduction. The introduction in this book is really a crystallization of everything
219. 00:14:08 in her previous book, I feel. Like in the first couple chapters, she talks about how
220. 00:14:14 she has this method for overcoming procrastination, which is the five second rule. So basically
221. 00:14:21 like a rocket blasting off you count down five, four, three, two, one, then you go do
222. 00:14:27 the thing. And she shares a pretty compelling story about how after having one of her kids,
223. 00:14:36 she was in a postpartum depression and didn't want to do anything and like use this to help
224. 00:14:42 her get out of bed one day. And then was like, Holy cow, that actually worked. And then started
225. 00:14:45 doing it all over the place. So I get my first action item from an introduction, maybe ever.
226. 00:14:51 That's awesome. And that is I want to start using this five second rule. I feel like this
227. 00:14:55 is pretty genius. Yeah, I did not feel the pool to go read the five second rule at all.
228. 00:15:02 Like I don't feel like I need to go read that book. But I think this is a it's a good principle
229. 00:15:08 to just move you into action quickly. I feel as though or I'm trying to remember like somewhere
230. 00:15:16 else I've heard of a similar principle, but it just wasn't the five second rule. But it
231. 00:15:21 was like some similar principle of like, okay, acknowledge, you know, do whatever you're going
232. 00:15:26 to do and then get up. And it might have just been for like getting up in the morning. And
233. 00:15:29 she's taken it and expanded it. But no, I think the five five second rules a valid way to acknowledge
234. 00:15:36 and then move forward and just keep going. Yeah, I like that approach a lot. I think I actually do
235. 00:15:42 kind of want to go back and read the five second rule at the beginning. I didn't. I figured, you
236. 00:15:47 know, I kind of got what I needed to from that she's using it as a very effective precursor to the
237. 00:15:54 material in this book. But as she went through this book, you know, the argument can be made,
238. 00:16:00 I feel like that you get the whole concept right at the beginning of what the let them theory really
239. 00:16:06 is. So the standard argument that oh, it's a 300 page book could have been a blog post, like,
240. 00:16:12 maybe it could have been a blog post. I'm actually glad it's as long as it is because she applies
241. 00:16:16 it in a lot of different ways, a lot of different scenarios. And there's nothing that really feels
242. 00:16:20 like filler here. But by the end of the book, I was like, okay, so I kind of wrote off the five
243. 00:16:27 second rule as I kind of got everything I need to know about that. But she did a really good job of
244. 00:16:31 unpacking the let them theory, which kind of falls into the same bucket. So maybe I should go back
245. 00:16:34 and read that one. I can tell you that, you know, this might be for styling rating, but I may as well
246. 00:16:40 hit it here. The front and the back end of this book did not jive with me. Like I started this book
247. 00:16:48 off and the introduction just sat really weird with me like I was not enjoying it at all. Like,
248. 00:16:54 I just didn't think it was that that like, you know, I was kind of nervous. I was like, oh gosh,
249. 00:16:59 I'm going to have to do 300 pages of just something I'm not pleased about. And then also, I got a
250. 00:17:06 similar feeling when we got to the very end of the book, when we started talking about love and
251. 00:17:10 like relationships and stuff. But we'll get we'll get there later. And I don't know, there's something
252. 00:17:15 about trying to I'm trying to say something without being like overly judgmental. But like,
253. 00:17:20 there's something about like influencers or incredibly successful people telling you how
254. 00:17:26 they got incredibly successful that just bugs the bugs me like I cannot like it just really,
255. 00:17:31 really bothers me if it's done in a certain way. And for some reason, I think this was
256. 00:17:39 done in that way where it just rubbed me the wrong way like like there was something about it
257. 00:17:44 where the introduction rubbed me the wrong way. So like my big takeaway from the intro is the
258. 00:17:47 five second rule. Like that was good. Honestly, the rest of the intro kind of bothered me like it
259. 00:17:52 kind of like frustrated me as I was reading it. Okay, interesting. Yeah, I mean, just food for
260. 00:17:59 thought. Yeah, I get the the annoyance with that approach. But that's funny, I didn't actually and
261. 00:18:09 it didn't rub me that way. I feel like I'm fairly sensitive to that kind of stuff. But
262. 00:18:16 yeah, I don't know, I guess just for context here, the first part of this of this introduction is the
263. 00:18:21 five second rule. And then she's using that as a way of saying that the way to get change in your
264. 00:18:28 life is to take action. Basically, action is the answer is one of the things that she says in the
265. 00:18:32 introduction. So struggling with motivation is universal problem. Most people are just looking
266. 00:18:37 for little ways to make their life better and happier. You never feel ready to change your life.
267. 00:18:43 But there isn't a whole lot regarding the let them theory and the introduction, which I think is
268. 00:18:48 okay, really what I think what she's trying to say is five, four, three, two, one, give me a chance.
269. 00:18:54 Yeah, well, and it's going to be small changes that are going to going to make success. It's going
270. 00:18:59 to be a slog sometimes, right? Like you're not just going to wake up and everything's better,
271. 00:19:04 like you're going to have to power through different things. Like the there's good stuff in here. And
272. 00:19:09 that's going to be throughout the whole book. I think there's really good stuff throughout the
273. 00:19:12 whole book. My comment was just more like something rubbed me the wrong way about the story, the way
274. 00:19:17 the story was told. Sure. All right, well, let's go into the let them theory. That is the first
275. 00:19:25 section of the book. And there's two chapters here. Stop wasting your life on things you can't
276. 00:19:29 control and getting started, which is a combination of let them plus let me. And we could probably
277. 00:19:35 spend most of the conversation here around these two chapters. But I agree. I think we'll just talk
278. 00:19:41 about it briefly. And then we'll go into the other sections and we'll we'll see what else comes up
279. 00:19:46 here. So basically, the whole idea behind let them is simply understanding that people are going to
280. 00:19:55 people and you should just let them instead of freaking out about it, because you can't really
281. 00:20:01 control what other people are going to do. The problem isn't you. It's the power you're giving
282. 00:20:05 other people other people hold the hold power over you. And other people do not hold any power
283. 00:20:13 over you unless you give it to them. When you stop trying to control the things you can't control,
284. 00:20:18 you stop wasting energy sounds pretty simple. Now there are I know a whole bunch of
285. 00:20:27 whole bunch of books that like dive deep into the the spiritual aspect of this. And she doesn't
286. 00:20:34 go there. And I'm kind of glad for that. But the thing that comes to mind is kind of like the
287. 00:20:39 Zen Buddhist approach, right? Mind like water yada yada yada. And that's always kind of rubbed
288. 00:20:46 me a little bit wrong just in like some of the ways that it's described. But I understand
289. 00:20:52 from this introduction here, kind of like the the core gist of it. And I think it's effective here
290. 00:21:00 because it makes it broadly applicable to just about any audience. In fact, she talks about how
291. 00:21:06 this is at the basis of stoicism. This is at the base basis of Buddhism. I can't remember
292. 00:21:13 if she talked about it being in the base of Christianity or not. But there were a couple
293. 00:21:16 different like spiritual applications of this. And she's basically saying like this is the thing
294. 00:21:21 that they have in common. And I think that's that's a cool way to do it. Now let them is one part of
295. 00:21:27 it, right? So don't freak out about what's going to happen. But then let me is the other part.
296. 00:21:33 That's where you actually the word I would use is take responsibility. So you take action for
297. 00:21:38 your response to the thing that happened. And that's what she says that true power lies in
298. 00:21:43 our response. She talks about how the urge to control things is rooted in fear. That kind of
299. 00:21:47 hit me between the eyes because that's definitely something I struggle with. Trying to control
300. 00:21:52 people or situations doesn't call them your fears that actually amplifies them. Wow. Okay. So yeah,
301. 00:21:58 she's following me around, you know, never been so seen when she says that. Let me is
302. 00:22:03 basically taking responsibility for what happens next. And I like this. This is a really powerful
303. 00:22:11 idea that she succinctly communicates and just these first two chapters of let them and then let
304. 00:22:17 me. And you could probably, you know, pack it up right there, get the gist of the book. This is the
305. 00:22:22 Blinkist version of the podcast right there. Yep. But there is a whole lot more to it. Well, and
306. 00:22:28 Mike summarized it very, very well. Like I, this whole two chapter or this whole section where she
307. 00:22:35 describes to let them theory, it's it in my mind, it's wrapped up in one word control, right?
308. 00:22:40 Control what you can control and stop caring about what you can't, right? Like there's no point
309. 00:22:45 caring about what you can't. I think the crux of this idea and this attitude is, and I don't mean
310. 00:22:55 to be like overly hyperbolic or whatever. I think it's life changing. Like I actually think it's
311. 00:22:59 really life changing because it's like, you can run this through so many different frames of
312. 00:23:04 your life. And she does. And that's like a big part of the rest of the book is you think about it
313. 00:23:08 from a parenting standpoint, you think about it from a work standpoint, you think about it from
314. 00:23:11 a friendship standpoint, you think about it from, you know, all these other other perspectives. And
315. 00:23:15 it's like the, the cool thing about the book is I wasn't in her, like I don't have the ability to
316. 00:23:24 be in her shoes for a lot of for some of these scenarios, but you could easily see how like,
317. 00:23:29 oh, this, this would apply to me in this way, right? Like, so one of the examples that she gives,
318. 00:23:33 and I don't remember exactly where she gives it, whether it's these chapters or not, but like her
319. 00:23:36 friends had to get together and they, and she wasn't invited. And it's like, you can't,
320. 00:23:42 like there's nothing you can do, like you can't control them, you can't like force your way into
321. 00:23:46 that get together because you didn't even know they were going to have a get together. So it's like,
322. 00:23:50 you just got to let them have that thing and they were happy about it. And it's a great experience.
323. 00:23:56 And then you really have to figure out how you're going to respond to that. And, and she makes a
324. 00:24:01 statement in the book true power and can like true power. And I would say control, right? Like, so
325. 00:24:05 however you think about those comes from our response to things, which we've heard that in
326. 00:24:09 other places, right? We've read that in other other books is, I think it was, um,
327. 00:24:13 Meditations by Marcus Aurelius is like the my reaction to things and my response to things is
328. 00:24:21 really where power is. And I just think she does a really good job in these first two chapters laying
329. 00:24:27 out a very fundamental idea and laying it out very well. So I was a big fan of the first section
330. 00:24:34 here. Yeah, that actually leads into the next section. So you ready to ready to go there? Yeah,
331. 00:24:40 for sure. Okay. So the next section is the big section, you and the let them theory,
332. 00:24:50 but we're going to break this into the subsections. And so the next one we're going to talk about
333. 00:24:54 here is managing stress, which is chapters three and four. So chapter three is shocker life is
334. 00:25:02 stressful. And chapter four is let them stress you out. So, um, yeah, this is, this is interesting.
335. 00:25:12 And I'm kind of trying to pick just a couple of things from the section that are worth, uh,
336. 00:25:18 teasing out. I guess, you know, the, the big thing to unpack here is that stress is a much larger
337. 00:25:26 problem in your life than you may realize. And the statistic that she shared is that seven out of
338. 00:25:32 10 people are living in a chronic state of stress. That kind of messed me up a little bit when I
339. 00:25:38 heard that. I feel like, uh, I don't know exactly how you would go get tested for that, but I'm sure
340. 00:25:47 I would, I would fall into that category. And the, then she like very succinctly and directly
341. 00:25:54 addresses the root cause of that focusing on what you can't control is what makes you stressed,
342. 00:25:59 your piece is worth protecting. So there are different things that can stress you out in chapter
343. 00:26:06 four. She's really talking about work specifically, I think is the, the one that, um, stood out to
344. 00:26:13 me the most anyways. It's a number one cause of life stress for most people and the, the people
345. 00:26:18 that you work with and are surrounded by like, it's not as simple as just, I'm going to quit this
346. 00:26:24 job and go find another one. You're probably going to find people at that new job that are
347. 00:26:26 going to stress you out to. So you can't really control what's going to happen. And yeah, you know,
348. 00:26:32 maybe you're putting situations, meetings, things that you wish that they were structured
349. 00:26:37 differently or whatever. And kind of the already at this point, you know, I'm starting to get it,
350. 00:26:42 like let them run a crappy meeting, but then you get to choose how you respond. Like, I don't have
351. 00:26:48 to just endorse it. I don't have to be like, Oh yeah, cool. It's no big deal. I'll just sit here and
352. 00:26:54 suffer through it. Like I'll ask the, the question at the beginning. So this is starting at this
353. 00:26:59 time and we have 30 minutes and we're going to get agenda ahead of time, right? Even though I
354. 00:27:02 know it's going to be a little bit confrontational, the person running, it's probably not going to
355. 00:27:06 love that I sent that message like, whatever, you know, let them do them. I don't have to try to
356. 00:27:11 change them and make everything fit the way I want to do it. But also like, I have a right to
357. 00:27:17 stand up for, Hey, if you're going to run this meeting, let's at least run it well and, and respect
358. 00:27:22 everybody's time. Like start when we say we're going to start, you know, that kind of thing.
359. 00:27:26 Yeah, she, she outlines a, um, a process that is incredibly simple. And I'm like, I need to adapt
360. 00:27:33 this right or adopt this right now. Like I need, I need this right now. So stressful event happens.
361. 00:27:38 Breathe and say, let them. And then breathe and say, let me and like you, you add to that. Like,
362. 00:27:44 so, you know, stressful event happens and you breathe and you say, okay, they're going to
363. 00:27:49 XYZ. You breathe again and you go, I'm going to ABC, right? Like, and it's like, okay, like,
364. 00:27:57 this is so simple and I think it's going to work, right? And I've even tried it a couple different
365. 00:28:01 times with, particularly with my children, right? I've tried it a couple different times. And it's
366. 00:28:06 like, man, that was incredibly effective because like trying to change them and trying to control
367. 00:28:11 them is just not, it's not worked for the last, I don't know, 10 years or it's probably not going
368. 00:28:18 to work in the future. So, you know, I'm not going to stop trying with certain things. But at the
369. 00:28:22 same time, I need to, I need to let that, that go and let it stop stressing me out. One of my
370. 00:28:28 action items is read the five resets, right? Like, she, she talks about a book by Dr. Aditi
371. 00:28:36 Nurkar, Nurarkar, Nurarkar. I'm going to have trouble saying that every time.
372. 00:28:40 But it's called the five resets. And, and I want to read that book, like, it sounds like a really,
373. 00:28:45 really good book on, on stress management. Mike, I can tell you, I am 100% part of the seven out of
374. 00:28:53 10, without a doubt, not going to sugarcoat it, not going to hide it. I am one of the seven out of 10,
375. 00:28:59 guaranteed 100%. But then the other one, or the other section of this that I, that I really liked
376. 00:29:05 is the way she broke down. Like, is this bothering me in a way that I'm going to forget about it in
377. 00:29:12 10 minutes, or an hour, or, you know, by the end of the day, or is this bothering me in a way that
378. 00:29:16 I'm going to remember it a week from now, a month from now, a year from now? And if it's the latter,
379. 00:29:22 I need to lean harder on the let me, you know, and if it's the former where it's not going to
380. 00:29:26 really bother me past, you know, an hour, the day or whatever, I can probably just go with let them
381. 00:29:32 and just let them and ignore it. And I think this was a really big one for me to internalize,
382. 00:29:37 because it's like, I think a lot of the things that like bother me are really trivial in the
383. 00:29:44 scheme of life, and I let them have way too much importance, right? Like, I give that too much power,
384. 00:29:49 and I let it have way too much importance. So it's like, this was really, really cool. I mean,
385. 00:29:55 I know I've said that about the last chapters, or the last two chapters as well, but this section
386. 00:29:59 really like hit home, and I was like, Oh, I can take a lot away from this, this section as well.
387. 00:30:04 Yeah, I agree with everything that you said.
388. 00:30:09 Yeah, I'm ready. I'm ready to go to other people's opinions now.
389. 00:30:11 Okay, yeah. So the next one as Corey just alluded to is chapters five and six. So let them think
390. 00:30:22 bad thoughts about you and how to love difficult people. And this is under the subheading of
391. 00:30:30 fearing other people's opinions. And as people who make stuff on the internet, there's no getting
392. 00:30:35 away from this one. Yeah, I I've dealt with some of this stuff, and I'm toying live in my head
393. 00:30:47 right now with the thought of like sharing some of that stuff, but I kind of don't even want to
394. 00:30:52 dignify it. So I feel like that's what Mel would want me to do is like, forget it.
395. 00:30:57 Yeah, let them right. Let them exactly. This is so applicable. And in fact, in the first couple
396. 00:31:03 chapters, she shows like several pages of people who got let them tattoos. I know.
397. 00:31:10 Are you going to get one? No, that hurt me. Like I hated every second of the fact that she put
398. 00:31:16 three like it's like three pages of people showing let them tattoos. And like it just
399. 00:31:21 rubs me the wrong way, man. Like I really don't like that. But what I'll tell you is for you to
400. 00:31:27 have a let them let me in your daily notes, or for me to like open the day with like, what did I
401. 00:31:35 let them or close the day? Like, what did I let them today? What did I let me today? Like, I think
402. 00:31:39 that makes sense. I just can't stand that she put three pages of tattoos in there. Like it just
403. 00:31:43 really irks me. Well, I think I know why she did it. And to be honest, the first page, I was like,
404. 00:31:51 Oh, cool. We're showing pictures of people who tattooed your idea. But then like the other two
405. 00:31:55 pages is like, wow, this really resonated with people. So I'm sure that's what she was going for.
406. 00:32:01 It resonated with me too. That was actually one of my action items was to consider adding
407. 00:32:05 let them to my core values. I thought I was going to be going to let them tattoo. No, no.
408. 00:32:12 I don't do tattoos. I don't think it would look good. I mean, let's just put it that way.
409. 00:32:18 But yeah, this is really about dealing with what other people think, whatever you decide to do.
410. 00:32:23 Other people are going to have an opinion about it. Absolutely. Especially if you
411. 00:32:29 if you make stuff online, like people leave nasty comments all the time, because
412. 00:32:36 you can be an internet tough guy. You're not talking to a person. You know, everyone
413. 00:32:41 everyone's tough when they're sitting behind their keyboard and no one can see you. But
414. 00:32:46 this is hardest for me with YouTube. YouTube is where I feel like there's them. I counter
415. 00:32:54 this the most and it's hard for me because I want to engage with people in the comments of my
416. 00:33:00 YouTube videos because there are a lot of people asking questions and like,
417. 00:33:05 I want to be helpful. That's why I make them in the first place. But then
418. 00:33:09 those nasty comments can just like mess you up for the rest of the day, you know, completely
419. 00:33:15 steal your, your joy, your motivation. So you got to, got to protect yourself.
420. 00:33:21 Couple good, good points she makes here. Just because someone has negative opinion doesn't mean
421. 00:33:26 that they feel negatively about you as a whole. I think especially with internet comments,
422. 00:33:30 it's easy to go from zero to a hundred there. Let them is easier to use with strangers,
423. 00:33:36 co-workers and friends because you have some space. That's really true. Like it's, it's hard
424. 00:33:40 to say let them when it's somebody who you really care about or who is really close to you who just
425. 00:33:46 happens to not agree with you on a certain thing. It talks about frame of reference,
426. 00:33:51 understanding the lens through which somebody sees something, allowing people to have their own
427. 00:33:55 opinions. But the one that really hits me from chapter six is that people can only meet you as
428. 00:34:02 deeply as they've met themselves. And I think this is, I didn't jot this down. And if I remember
429. 00:34:08 right, this is kind of in the section where she's mentioning not making like, oh, you should do this,
430. 00:34:15 but sort of advocating for the benefit of counseling. And that also has me thinking no action items
431. 00:34:24 associated with that one yet. But I've been thinking about that for a while as something that I should
432. 00:34:29 maybe explore. Yeah. Yeah, I, the chapter six, I think chapter five hits on the idea basically of
433. 00:34:41 try not to care about what other people think. Like that, like that's, if I had to wrap it up
434. 00:34:45 in like one phrase, it's trying to care about, I think that's really, really hard. I also think
435. 00:34:49 it's very, very valuable. So I'm kind of torn on chapter five. It's like, yes, we need to do this.
436. 00:34:54 Yes, that would be great. Yes, that's also really, really hard. And then I think chapter six is
437. 00:35:00 you know, she brings it home really, really well in terms of at times you're just going to have
438. 00:35:06 to let people be disappointed and let people be upset, which is, which is hard for me, right?
439. 00:35:10 Like I don't want to let people down, especially like people that I'm close to, you know, so a silly
440. 00:35:15 example, right? Like last week with the, with the audio, right? Like I was, like I was bummed about
441. 00:35:21 that, right? But at the same time, like there was nothing I could do about it, but it like it
442. 00:35:25 bothered me. Like it, it irked me. Like it, you know, it, it messed with me because I felt like I
443. 00:35:30 was, you know, disappointing you, right? And, and, you know, it's like, no, we, we have a, we have a
444. 00:35:35 level that we're trying to achieve here, right? And I, and I didn't allow us to do that. But like,
445. 00:35:40 you kind of have to be okay with that at some point, or else you go crazy, like you absolutely
446. 00:35:44 go crazy because sometimes life just happens. And that's okay. And I think this gets a little more,
447. 00:35:51 a little less like random in terms of life happens. And it's like certain people are just wired
448. 00:35:56 certain ways. And you have to let them be wired like that. And if you try to push too hard,
449. 00:36:02 right? You're just, you're, it's never going to resolve, right? Like, so you have to be okay with
450. 00:36:07 that. Or you're a certain way and you have to be okay with the way you are and kind of, and kind
451. 00:36:12 of move forward with that. So like, I think chapter six is, is really, you know, kind of a
452. 00:36:18 linchpin of, of this in terms of, you know, you got to give yourself permission to, to disagree
453. 00:36:24 with people or give yourself permission to upset people sometimes and just be who you are. And
454. 00:36:29 which I think is a, is a really good, really good thing. And I don't think it's a get out of jail
455. 00:36:32 free card to like be mean. I don't think it's a get out of jail free card to just, you know,
456. 00:36:37 kind of walk around being a, you know, being a jerk. But at the same time, you also can't walk
457. 00:36:42 around on eggshells trying not to bother anybody, you know, 100% of your life or that's not realistic.
458. 00:36:48 So I think she balanced it really well. I guess that's what I'm trying to say.
459. 00:36:51 Yeah, if you repeatedly do it, maybe then, you know, I fall into the chapter seven when grownups
460. 00:36:56 throw tantrums, but not yet. All right, you ready to move on? Yep. Okay. So as alluded to the next
461. 00:37:05 section has two chapters, chapter seven is when grownups throw tantrums. I did not do this when
462. 00:37:11 Cory's audio was not pristine, by the way. He handled it very well. But also that, you know, side note,
463. 00:37:18 I guess that's because I knew that you cared about it. It was exchanging circumstance and you
464. 00:37:23 would fix it for next time. I mean, let's, let's role play here. So let Cory have bad audio this
465. 00:37:31 one time, right? Let me do what I can to fix it. If he's going to continue to, if I'm going to
466. 00:37:36 continue to let him have bad audio, then maybe let me choose to do something else with the podcast,
467. 00:37:42 right? Because there is like the bar we want to want to hit. That's a crappy example, which,
468. 00:37:48 but it's true. Yeah, not like I'm extrapolating to a situation that I firmly believe is never
469. 00:37:53 going to happen, just to clarify. But I think hopefully through that incredibly silly scenario,
470. 00:38:00 people can maybe picture applying it themselves. You know, at some point, you know, you have the
471. 00:38:06 right, and I would argue the responsibility to respond in a certain way that's in alignment with
472. 00:38:12 your interests and your values. And people feel like jerks when they do that sometimes. But
473. 00:38:16 anyways, chapter seven, we're growing up. So tantrums, chapter eight, when right decisions,
474. 00:38:22 the right decision often feels wrong. And this is under the subheading of dealing with someone
475. 00:38:28 else's emotional reaction. So at the heart of this, with chapter seven is really
476. 00:38:37 gauging the rightness of your decision based on what kind of response it elicits from
477. 00:38:45 the people around you. And she makes the point here that at their core, adults are just as
478. 00:38:50 emotional as eight year old children. They're just better at hiding it most of the time.
479. 00:38:55 Okay, I was going to call the exact same thing out and I want your opinion on do you agree with
480. 00:38:59 the statement that most adults have the maturity of an eight year old child? Like do you think that
481. 00:39:03 is a fair, a fair statement? Well, you said maturity and I feel like that statement is not
482. 00:39:12 fair, but there's an alternate version of that, which is fair.
483. 00:39:17 Maybe emotional, that's not the right thing either. But I do think that at some level,
484. 00:39:27 adults are a lot like children. And most people do not get the kind of emotional
485. 00:39:38 intelligence training, maybe that they need to recognize that these emotions are going to rise
486. 00:39:45 up and then fade. So how they react is different. The adult is not throwing a fit in the checkout
487. 00:39:54 aisle of the grocery store, but they're probably doing something which may actually be more damaging
488. 00:40:01 if you follow them around and dug into their personal life. So I do think that part is true.
489. 00:40:07 Yeah, I just thought I was a very, a very bold statement. And it's like, when you think about it,
490. 00:40:13 I think at the underlying level, it's probably true. It's just they've learned through
491. 00:40:19 bad social experiences. They've learned just by observation as they've gotten older that it's like,
492. 00:40:25 I'm having the same response as the eight year old child. I just can't behave the same way the
493. 00:40:31 eight year old child does because I'm supposed to not do that, right? Like I want to, but I'm
494. 00:40:37 supposed to not do that. And then you brought up the kind of the way you process it in a
495. 00:40:43 healthy way is you actually feel the emotions, right? So she would call that they'll let them,
496. 00:40:48 right? Like, so when you when the emotion wells up, you feel it, you let that emotion happen.
497. 00:40:53 And then you intentionally don't react. And she she throws a stat in there that in about 90 seconds,
498. 00:41:01 that emotion will dissolve. It'll reduce down to a level where it's much more manageable.
499. 00:41:06 That's the part that impacted me the most, I think, from these two chapters was recognizing that,
500. 00:41:12 you know, this emotion may feel real strong, real intense. But if you give it 90 seconds,
501. 00:41:18 it'll be bearable. Yeah, it's like, because that's such a short period of time, right? Like you
502. 00:41:23 breathe it out, you take a step away, you're like, whatever it is, and then it just gets a lot better
503. 00:41:29 in a very, very short amount of time. And that was that was a really cool, kind of really cool
504. 00:41:34 realization that she brought into there. I think another thing that I liked about this is she talks
505. 00:41:40 about the right decisions feeling wrong. I didn't, I don't think I would be as strong as she was
506. 00:41:47 on this. But like, I get what she's saying is like, don't shy away from making the right decision
507. 00:41:54 because you're trying to avoid that uncomfortable, possibly negative feeling in particular with
508. 00:42:01 someone else, right? So you got to remember that this is under the umbrella of the someone else's
509. 00:42:05 reactions kind of idea or theme. So it's like, you know, I'm going to make a decision. And there
510. 00:42:12 might be people who really think negatively about that, like don't over weigh their opinion in that
511. 00:42:18 because it might feel wrong to them. And they might be very vocal about how they think it's
512. 00:42:23 wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. But it might be the absolute right decision, you know,
513. 00:42:26 for me, and for my my situation. So I thought that was a really kind of a kind of a good point
514. 00:42:33 in terms of don't just automatically shy away because somebody tells you that they think that's
515. 00:42:37 the wrong decision or that they're pressuring you because they feel they can get feels wrong. I like
516. 00:42:41 that part. Yeah, the story associated with this one was someone who was engaged and they kind of
517. 00:42:47 knew that it wasn't the right thing to do. But the deposits had already been paid and didn't want
518. 00:42:54 to hurt his significant other that he was supposed to marry. And and the author mentions that they
519. 00:43:03 don't know how the situation ended, but they hope that they summoned the courage enough to
520. 00:43:08 not go through with that commitment. And I think there's an important nuance to the way that she
521. 00:43:17 presents that story because she presents the facts as this person communicated them to her.
522. 00:43:24 And it's always, I don't want to disappoint this person. I know that they're going to feel
523. 00:43:29 a certain way because I feel like I need to make this decision. But also, I know that this isn't
524. 00:43:35 the right thing long term. So she mentions that just because the right decision seems clear doesn't
525. 00:43:41 mean it's an easy decision to make. And there's a difference here, I think, between I know this
526. 00:43:45 is the right thing to do and it's going to be hard. And I don't like my current situation and I just
527. 00:43:51 feel like I need to try something new. Yeah, I agree. And I don't know how to like, I don't know how
528. 00:44:00 to express articulately what the difference there is. But there've been situations recently where
529. 00:44:11 it's kind of like, well, is this the right thing for me to do? And it's like, as I work through it,
530. 00:44:17 like, yeah, this is the right thing for me to do. And yeah, there are pieces of this that are going
531. 00:44:22 to make me a little bit uncomfortable, or I wish this was maybe a different way. But that doesn't
532. 00:44:28 mean that I'm willing to blow the whole thing up. And at the root of like the desire to blow the
533. 00:44:34 whole thing up is maybe there's something that's better. And I don't, I don't want to say that
534. 00:44:41 there's never a reason to not, there's never not a reason to do that sort of a thing. But I guess
535. 00:44:50 like, I walk out of this chapter, the section, kind of like, you better be careful with that kind of
536. 00:44:59 stuff. If you're constantly just blowing stuff up, from one thing to the next, it's always somebody
537. 00:45:04 else's fault. You know, I feel like they'll let them let me balance their like, that's step one,
538. 00:45:12 you got to start applying that to your life, because the common thread as you go between all
539. 00:45:17 these different things, you know, ultimately is, is you. So yeah, I mean, the big takeaway really
540. 00:45:25 never let someone's emotional reaction keep you from making the hard decision. But to also don't get
541. 00:45:33 just totally attached to the person's negative reaction as the only decision making criteria.
542. 00:45:42 Yep. Yep. I don't know. There should be like a scorecard for this kind of stuff that you could
543. 00:45:45 fill out. Okay, you want to kick off the next one? Yeah, okay. So the last one in our current,
544. 00:45:52 I guess, even higher level section is called overcoming chronic comparison. So we just dealt
545. 00:45:58 with the idea that we were thinking about other people's emotional reactions. Now we're thinking
546. 00:46:03 about comparison. So chapter nine is called, yes, life isn't fair. And chapter 10 is called
547. 00:46:08 how to make comparison your teacher. And in this one, you know, she, she basically calls out
548. 00:46:16 envy jealousy, right? Like, I mean, like a hammer in it right on the head, she doesn't ever say
549. 00:46:21 those words. I don't ever remember those words coming out. But she she describes it as comparison.
550. 00:46:26 And she's like, yeah, we're dealt, we're all dealt a different hand. We need to play the hand
551. 00:46:31 we're dealt. You're, you know, neighbor down the street is going to be dealt a different hand
552. 00:46:38 from you. And you might not like that. And the more you compare, the worse off you're going to be.
553. 00:46:43 She gets to two ideas here that I like, they're two linked ideas. But one is teach. And she said,
554. 00:46:50 teach is to use a downward comparison, look around you and see how good you actually have it.
555. 00:46:56 And then torture is to use an upward comparison. And basically you're beating yourself up because
556. 00:47:01 of the things you don't have. And I really liked this kind of, kind of framing, because I've seen
557. 00:47:07 myself do both of these, right? Like, you know, I look at somebody else and I'm like, Oh my gosh,
558. 00:47:11 look at what they have. And I really wish I had that thing. And that would be the torture scenario
559. 00:47:16 where, you know, for whatever reason, they have that thing. And it might be that they worked really,
560. 00:47:20 really hard at it. It might be that they got crazy lucky, right? Like who knows why they have it. And
561. 00:47:24 that doesn't matter. But then the teach one is the look at myself. And I would say teach in my mind
562. 00:47:30 came across as gratitude. Like look how good I have whatever I have, like how good my scenario is.
563. 00:47:37 And I think everybody can do both of these things. And I think if we lean more towards that teach,
564. 00:47:42 that looking around you for how good you actually have it, I think just think we'll be in a better
565. 00:47:46 situation. So to go back to her theme, to let them let me, it's this idea of like, compare,
566. 00:47:54 if you're going to compare yourself to other people, you just got to let them have a better
567. 00:47:57 situation than you, because every like there's always going to be somebody that has a better
568. 00:48:01 situation than you. And that's completely fine. Right? Like that's okay. Let them have that better
569. 00:48:05 situation than you. And then I'll actually I'll pause on there before we go to chapter 10,
570. 00:48:11 see if you have anything with nine. Well, I think they tie together really well. The things that
571. 00:48:18 I jotted down from nine are don't allow someone else's success to paralyze you in life. You're not
572. 00:48:24 playing against anyone you're not playing against anyone you're playing with them. And that really
573. 00:48:30 hits at something she doesn't use this term, but it's the abundance mindset versus the scarcity
574. 00:48:34 mindset. She's really talking about, you know, there's not a limited amount of success to go
575. 00:48:39 around just because somebody else has gotten lucky quote unquote doesn't mean that there's any less
576. 00:48:46 success or or luck available for you. So don't obsess about all this person was in the right
577. 00:48:52 place at the the right time. If you consistently show up and do the right things, you too may get
578. 00:48:58 lucky. And that's, you know, chapter 10 is the first thing I jotted down is that 95% of the things
579. 00:49:02 you want in life are things you can create if you're willing to work hard, be consistent and
580. 00:49:07 disciplined and patient. I think that's very, very true. And I also think it's easy to fall
581. 00:49:12 into the comparison trap. I mean, how's that graph to commerce last week? Because we talked
582. 00:49:16 about at the beginning and it was easy for me to fall into that trap while I was there because
583. 00:49:21 I'm, you know, at one point I was, I ran into Thomas Frank at the coffee shop, Thomas Frank
584. 00:49:28 has a much bigger YouTube audience. And he talks about notion, he makes notion templates,
585. 00:49:34 basically, that's what I want to do with obsidian. And I look at the size of of his audience and
586. 00:49:42 the things that he's able to do. And if I'm not careful, it's easy for me to be like, oh, well,
587. 00:49:48 you know, I wish I could have gotten lucky like Thomas Frank did. The truth is Thomas has been
588. 00:49:52 doing this for a very, very long time. Over 10 years, actually, he had a previous channel called
589. 00:49:58 college info geek before he started doing any of the the notion stuff. So yeah, don't compare
590. 00:50:07 yourself to anybody else. No one is taking anything from you. And the let them version of this is
591. 00:50:13 to let other people show you the way. So that was kind of, as I was reflecting on everything that
592. 00:50:19 happened at craft and commerce, all the people that I met, you know, not that, you know, I fall
593. 00:50:24 into that bitter comparison trap stuff, all that much anyways. But I did challenge me to think
594. 00:50:31 about the people that I met as I was reflecting and journaling on things. And it's like, what can
595. 00:50:34 I learn from that person? What are they doing that I could apply to my own situation? You know,
596. 00:50:39 steal like an artist. Yeah, she she talks about that in chapter 10, which I really like the way
597. 00:50:44 she reframes. And I'm immediately eating my own words because she obviously used the word jealousy.
598. 00:50:49 But like the if you're jealous, she says, if you're jealous right now, that's good. Like,
599. 00:50:53 look at that as inspiration, look at that as something to mimic, right? Like, steal like an
600. 00:50:58 artist like look at that as something that you can figure out how to use to get, you know, where
601. 00:51:03 you want to get to and use it as a teaching tool. I mean, I really, I really like the way she,
602. 00:51:09 you know, flips it around and says, okay, if we're not going to use comparison in a bad way to
603. 00:51:17 torture ourselves, let's use it in that positive way and like, let me mimic, let me put in the reps,
604. 00:51:24 let me learn from their example, let me do the thing that that's going to get me to where I want
605. 00:51:29 to, I want to get to. I'm not by any means thinking that that's an easy thing to do. But man, oh man,
606. 00:51:35 do I think that's a very powerful and effective way to frame that. 100% agree. Ready to go to the
607. 00:51:43 next one? Yes. Okay, so this one is a little bit different. So again, there is a subsection here,
608. 00:51:53 but instead of two chapters, there are three chapters. So we're now entering the next major
609. 00:51:59 section, which is your relationships and the let them theory. And mastering adult friendships
610. 00:52:04 has three chapters. Chapter 11 is the truth. No one told you about adult friendship. Chapter 12,
611. 00:52:08 why some friendships naturally fade and chapter 13, how to create the best friendships of your life.
612. 00:52:16 Okay, so these three chapters I particularly liked. And this is something that I have,
613. 00:52:27 I guess struggled with, I say struggle because it doesn't come naturally to me. I tend to be very
614. 00:52:35 introverted. And it, I've had to force myself to step outside of my comfort zone a little bit and
615. 00:52:43 develop relationships. That being said, she talks about how in chapter 11, there are three pillars
616. 00:52:49 of friendship, proximity, timing and energy. And those three things really do have to align for
617. 00:52:55 someone to become a close friend. To become a casual friend, you need to spend about 74 hours
618. 00:53:00 with someone to become a close friend, you need to spend about 200 hours with someone. And the big
619. 00:53:06 takeaway, I think, is that friendships come and go. So don't be upset about things that aren't
620. 00:53:14 clicking, always assume, assume good intent before you walk away, don't keep score,
621. 00:53:19 all that kind of stuff. The part of this that stands out to me the most though is chapter 13,
622. 00:53:25 where it talks about how to create the best friendships of your life, because you have to
623. 00:53:29 put yourself out there. Now, I, I'm going to use crafting commerce as the example here,
624. 00:53:36 because I, as I mentioned, I am actually extremely introverted most of the time.
625. 00:53:43 But when I am in a situation like that, it's easy for me to force myself to make the first move,
626. 00:53:50 because I know what that environment is like. I know that there's a high, high, high ceiling, low,
627. 00:54:01 what's the phrase? Like, there's a lot of possible good that could come from this,
628. 00:54:05 and not a whole lot of bad. Yeah, exactly. So I do that over and over and over again.
629. 00:54:11 That's one of my action items, by the way, is to be the one to go first. But the story here
630. 00:54:16 that I wanted to share is, I remember the first time I went to crafting commerce several years ago,
631. 00:54:22 and then you one person who was there, and that was Sean Blanc. And I had not been working with Sean
632. 00:54:28 yet at that point. And I remember getting there and meeting him and him basically being like,
633. 00:54:34 hey, come to dinner with me. We're going to go do this. And I basically spent the entire conference
634. 00:54:38 with him at several points. I was like, dude, you want me to just go chill for a while so you can
635. 00:54:43 do your thing. Like, that's fine. You know, so he's taken me to these dinners and I'm eating and
636. 00:54:49 meeting all of, eating with and meeting all of these really cool people that I wouldn't be able
637. 00:54:54 to just walk up and be like, Hey, I'm Mike, right? Well, I could, but there's no way I would have
638. 00:54:59 Sean open the door for me, basically. And so every craft and commerce that I go to,
639. 00:55:05 I try to pay that forward. Yes, yes. And that's not to say that I've arrived.
640. 00:55:13 But I have made enough connections that like, if I see someone who's an acquaintance standing
641. 00:55:21 off to the side and I'm with a group of people who are going to go to dinner and be like, Hey,
642. 00:55:26 why don't you just come to dinner with us? Right? Or let's go do this thing. And I'll, I'll go out
643. 00:55:32 of my way to introduce, you know, this is so and so they, they do this. They have a really cool,
644. 00:55:37 you know, whatever. And I feel like you really just need somebody to do that for you one time
645. 00:55:48 to really get it. So I'm hoping that I'm, I'm contributing to the, the environment of, of
646. 00:55:57 curious reciprocity that is at, yeah, at crafted commerce. But also the challenge to me is like,
647. 00:56:02 it can go so much further than that one week and Boise every year. Why do I not do that? You know,
648. 00:56:08 when I'm at the coffee shop nearby or whatever. Well, and I think that goes back to the point
649. 00:56:15 she makes in chapter 11, it's proximity, timing and energy, right? Like, so I mean, it immediately
650. 00:56:20 breaks down in the fact that you're not proximal anymore, right? Like, or it breaks down in the
651. 00:56:24 fact that like scheduling a zoom meeting with four people is actually a lot of work, right?
652. 00:56:29 Be like, you don't, you know, it's really hard to do it. But everybody who goes to that conference
653. 00:56:33 is committed to being there and meeting people and stepping out of their comfort zone. And then
654. 00:56:38 you got all the other work that you've had to do for life and you're just tired, right? I mean,
655. 00:56:43 like, so it makes total sense. I think my biggest, my biggest takeaway from that is that proximity
656. 00:56:48 timing and energy, because I look back on like the friendships and I say, which are the ones I've
657. 00:56:51 maintained, which are the ones that have fallen. And usually, like when I did that, I probably did
658. 00:56:57 it for three or four different relationships. And I was like, oh yeah, it was that, it was that,
659. 00:57:01 it was that, right? Like, and you could easily identify and I thought that was,
660. 00:57:04 that was a really way to, a really good way to, um, to kind of like quickly encapsulate that. Um,
661. 00:57:12 I think the let me go first idea, like you said is very, very valuable. Like, I think that's very,
662. 00:57:19 very valuable. It's like, if you want to establish something, you have to be the one to initiate it.
663. 00:57:25 We like, I don't remember exactly how old you are. I know we're about the same age, right? But
664. 00:57:30 it's like, we're not at the stage of life where we're just going to let things sit and ride and like,
665. 00:57:35 it's going to turn out the way we think it's going to turn out or the way we want it to turn out.
666. 00:57:38 We have to be at the point where, where we just go like, hey, if I want this thing to happen,
667. 00:57:43 I'm going to actually ask and I'm going to try and I'm going to shoot for it. And if it doesn't go
668. 00:57:47 through, okay, it doesn't go through, but it's like, you just kind of, you know, the, oh,
669. 00:57:53 just go with the ebb and flow of the world. I don't know. Like, I just don't agree with that,
670. 00:57:57 that anymore. So those are, those are my takeaways from the adult friendship section.
671. 00:58:01 Nice. Okay, so the next one is motivating other people to change. And this section has two chapters,
672. 00:58:11 chapter 14, people only change when they feel like it, chapter 15, unlock the power of, of your
673. 00:58:17 influence. So this is the most effective two chapter pairing. I feel like any of the sections,
674. 00:58:25 because the first chapter is really about how you can't motivate someone else to change.
675. 00:58:33 And she says the title of this chapter over and over and over again, people only change
676. 00:58:37 when they feel like it. So change is never easy. When you push someone, it only, it only makes them
677. 00:58:45 push back. And so at the end of chapter 14, you're kind of like, well, what can I do then? Because
678. 00:58:51 there are situations where someone you care about is doing something destructive and you want them
679. 00:58:57 to stop. If I push them to stop, it's only going to cause them to dig in. So does that mean I just
680. 00:59:04 have to resolve myself? So this is the way they're going to be? And no, it's not the case.
681. 00:59:09 And she ends it though with the standoff or like, you know, whatever she called it, but it had the
682. 00:59:13 word stand up there. And I was like, man, that is a perfect way to end that chapter, because it's
683. 00:59:16 like, it is a standoff. I want you to change. You don't want to change. And we are just going to,
684. 00:59:21 we're going to butt heads until one of us gives or nothing happens and we just stop worrying about
685. 00:59:27 it. So it's like, I love the way she ended that chapter. So I'll let you go now.
686. 00:59:30 Yeah, it's really effective. And then the way that you actually change them is you influence them.
687. 00:59:35 So you don't push them, but you can influence them. She mentions that trying to inspire somebody
688. 00:59:43 to change can take six months or more. And a lot of people aren't going to want to wait that long.
689. 00:59:51 So she has a method called the ABC loop, which I think is pretty genius, which has the goal
690. 00:59:58 of making people feel tension between their current behavior and what they really want.
691. 01:00:04 So the ABC loop, there's three steps to this, the first one. And there's basically an action
692. 01:00:11 and then a follow up action. And they both start with the same letter, which is maybe the most
693. 01:00:19 genius three step thing I've ever seen in my entire life. So the first one is apologize.
694. 01:00:26 And then ask open ended questions. So this is really when you like push somebody and they're
695. 01:00:32 digging in and you're like, Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to to try to make you do something,
696. 01:00:37 then ask open ended questions like, I don't know, it seems like this thing really upsets you.
697. 01:00:43 Why is that, you know, that sort of thing. And then the second step B is back off and then
698. 01:00:50 observe their behavior. That's the other the other B. So you got to give them space. You got to
699. 01:00:56 got to watch and call out, you know, the the things kind of positive reinforcement for the
700. 01:01:02 things that you you want to see doesn't work. It doesn't just work with the kids and puppies.
701. 01:01:10 Works with adults too. And then the third one celebrate progress while you continue to model
702. 01:01:15 the change. So this is really just like commending all of the effort that people make to make what
703. 01:01:22 you consider to be the right choices. And then I feel like there's a little bit of you, you got
704. 01:01:27 to be careful with this because it feels a little bit like borderline manipulative. But that's not
705. 01:01:32 how she's framing it in the book. That's just, you know, as we're pulling it out of context here,
706. 01:01:38 I feel like it might come across that way. But this is like somebody that you love has a drug
707. 01:01:43 addiction or is an alcoholic and you are trying to get them to quit because you care about them
708. 01:01:50 and you don't want it to destroy their life and they just can't do it or seems like they
709. 01:01:55 won't do it. You know, what do you do in those situations? It's never easy. And so I feel like
710. 01:02:01 this is a really effective model for that. Okay, Mike, I have a question for you for the ABC loop.
711. 01:02:06 Okay. Do you think the ABC loop would work for you? If you did it to yourself,
712. 01:02:13 so you motivationally interview yourself to ask about why you're doing the things,
713. 01:02:22 right, like on all this stuff, then you observe your behavior and then you celebrate when you
714. 01:02:29 have made a positive change in the direction that you want to. And it's like, and it's like,
715. 01:02:32 for whatever, you know, whatever you want to, I want to, I want to meditate, you know, it's like,
716. 01:02:37 well, okay, like, Corey, why don't you meditate every day? Like, what is it about meditation that,
717. 01:02:41 you know, like, do you know what I mean? Like, I actually think this can work individually,
718. 01:02:47 you know, as well as it, maybe not as well, but equally as well as it could for somebody else,
719. 01:02:54 like somebody external to you. I get where you're coming from. And I think maybe there's there's
720. 01:03:00 potential that it could work. Would it work for me? I don't think so. And I think the key, like,
721. 01:03:05 the reason why this would work or this would potentially not work is that you have to have a
722. 01:03:16 certain level of self awareness. And that I think is kind of the key. Now for me,
723. 01:03:29 I don't know that the I have many times in my life, created effective behavior change,
724. 01:03:40 just because I'm going to do this thing. And I'm going to muster up all of the discipline necessary
725. 01:03:47 in order for me to do it. That I recognize that that's not going to be the right approach for most
726. 01:03:53 people might not even be the best approach for me. But to me, those three steps feel like a lot
727. 01:04:02 of hoops to jump through when if I really want to do this thing, I would just be like, hey, dummy,
728. 01:04:07 do the thing. And I do it. That's very, that's very, and hopefully you don't get offended by this.
729. 01:04:12 That's very Midwestern of you. Yeah. I feel like that's like a Midwestern, like,
730. 01:04:17 just pull up your bootstraps. Pull yourself up by those.
731. 01:04:22 Yeah, you're probably right. But yeah, I don't know. That's, that's always been my approach.
732. 01:04:29 So good. All right. The next one is helping someone who's struggling. Maybe I jumped the gun here.
733. 01:04:37 A little bit because I think this is the section where she gets into like the substance abuse and
734. 01:04:43 she does like that. Chapter 16, the more you rescue, the more you sink, chapter 17,
735. 01:04:48 how to provide support the right way. The thing that stood out to me the most from this was that
736. 01:04:56 you can't rescue someone, especially repeatedly, because rescuing someone is not really supporting
737. 01:05:04 them. People only heal when they're ready to do it themselves. So well, I don't want to see
738. 01:05:13 my loved ones suffer, and I want to do whatever I can to help people out in certain situations.
739. 01:05:20 Sometimes the very best thing you can do is just not be involved. And there's a story she talks about
740. 01:05:27 with this. It might be from chapter 17, where she's talking about often unconditional love means
741. 01:05:34 withdrawing financial support. If you give financial support, though, conditions, it'll lead to massive
742. 01:05:39 resentment on your end. And she uses the example of when she and her husband were in a failing
743. 01:05:45 restaurant business. And her husband's brother, I think, was just refused to help them pay the bills
744. 01:05:55 anymore. It's like, no, you got to figure this out on your own. And he mentioned that it wasn't
745. 01:05:59 because he didn't care about them. It was because he cared about them that he couldn't help him do
746. 01:06:03 this. And the way she shared the story, she made it seem like he presented it very matter-of-factly
747. 01:06:09 and in a loving way. And I can totally see how that's not going to be the default for this situation.
748. 01:06:15 And my guess is that she probably freaked out a little bit, and her husband, too, when that
749. 01:06:21 actually happens. Like, oh, I can't believe you're just going to let us hit rock bottom. This probably
750. 01:06:28 retroactively, she's telling that story with the understanding that she's gained from that
751. 01:06:33 situation. So I say that to highlight the point that I don't think it's ever easy to do. And even
752. 01:06:39 if you are in the right and you're trying to explain it the right way, you got to be ready for,
753. 01:06:46 well, I really do love you. I'm not to receive that because they're not in a place to really
754. 01:06:51 hear it. But let them, doesn't mean that you're just leaving them alone. It means that you are
755. 01:06:58 supporting them by creating an environment to help them get better. And sometimes that goes against
756. 01:07:04 our natural instincts to jump in and problem-solve. Yeah, I mean, there's so many good nuggets that
757. 01:07:10 come out of this one is, you know, sometimes people don't want to be rescued, that they have to make
758. 01:07:16 it their choice in order for it actually to stick that the pain of making the poor choice needs to
759. 01:07:23 be greater than the pain of avoiding it through whatever you're doing. The idea that rock bottom
760. 01:07:29 is actually hitting something solid. And I was like, oh, I was like, oh, dang, that's a really
761. 01:07:33 interesting point. You know, like environments play into this. So can you change your environment
762. 01:07:39 in terms of providing support in the right way? I like that meeting conditions.
763. 01:07:45 So it's like, hey, here are the conditions of whatever we're going to do. And if you meet those,
764. 01:07:50 okay, well, I'll continue to support you. If you don't, right, and then you let them make that
765. 01:07:54 decision, right? But you, you clearly established the guidelines there. Like, I thought, like,
766. 01:08:00 this was a heavy section because like the examples that she used and things were, I don't know,
767. 01:08:06 they just weren't fun. They're not fun to read about. But at the same time, they're, they're real
768. 01:08:10 and they're important. And there are things that if you're in the muck in the mire of that, I think,
769. 01:08:17 you know, these, these strategies will be very, very, very helpful. So I thought, again, I thought
770. 01:08:22 16 and 17 were, were really well done. All right, ready to talk about relationships?
771. 01:08:27 Okay, can I, can I go first? You go for it. I hated every part of the last three chapters.
772. 01:08:32 I figured you might. Oh my gosh, I like, I can't even explain to you. I told you before that the
773. 01:08:37 front end and the back end of this book, I was just not a fan of like, like, I could have just
774. 01:08:43 not read these and been, and been a happier human. But you know what? I need to let them.
775. 01:08:49 Let her write this book. All right. And I need to let me just be okay with the fact that 18, 19,
776. 01:08:54 and 20 just didn't, didn't really resonate with me. There's one thing I will say before you go and
777. 01:09:00 do your spiel and then you can end it and we can move on. The grass is greener where you water it.
778. 01:09:05 I love that phrase. The grass is greener where you water. I loved it. Otherwise, go ahead, Mike.
779. 01:09:10 Yeah, so I was, I was curious about what you would think about this. I, I agree that a lot of this.
780. 01:09:16 So chapter 18 is, let them show who they are. Chapter 19, how to take your relationship
781. 01:09:21 to the next level. Chapter 20, how every ending is a beautiful beginning. And there's a lot of
782. 01:09:27 here, there's a lot of like inherent messaging here about you deserve a perfect love story and
783. 01:09:36 don't settle for the scraps. In fact, there's a quote in here. I forget where, where it was.
784. 01:09:44 I jotted it down. Are these table scraps what you're willing to accept? Are you looking for
785. 01:09:48 a five star meal? So there, without any context, it feels a little bit like, well, you deserve
786. 01:09:55 better. You should just go look for something better. I don't think that's what she's saying
787. 01:09:59 at all. And I, my initial thought was the same as you. Like, I have made my decision. I'm going to
788. 01:10:05 water the grass. And I am, and maybe this doesn't apply to me. However, I have kids who are of a
789. 01:10:13 certain age and they are trying to navigate these relationship issues now. And I need to know what
790. 01:10:20 to tell them. And as I was reading this, I was like, I'm not going to give them this play by play,
791. 01:10:24 you know, exactly. This is what you do. But there's some really good stuff in here.
792. 01:10:29 I don't, I don't doubt for a second that there are. And if I was at a different stage of life,
793. 01:10:33 and if I was a different human, exactly now, that, you know, like, I think it would be very
794. 01:10:37 valuable. So I think, I think there's an audience here that loves 18, 19 and 20. I don't think I
795. 01:10:42 am that audience. Go ahead. Yeah. So, like, one of the things that stands out to me from this
796. 01:10:49 is, let's say you have a kid, right? Who likes someone? And they're going to tell this person
797. 01:10:57 that they like them. Like, how would you coach them to do that? What would you say to them to
798. 01:11:04 prepare them for the possibility that the other person may not feel the same way? Right? So I was
799. 01:11:12 already leaning into let them before she got to this section. But then when she said, like,
800. 01:11:17 let them not feel the same way and be willing to walk away and just use it as a data point to
801. 01:11:22 figure out what you really want. Like, I think it's actually some pretty great advice and
802. 01:11:30 more profound than it seems on the surface. I don't think, sorry, go ahead.
803. 01:11:35 I know. I think 18, 19, 20 year old Corey, right? Like, this is, this is good advice, right? Like,
804. 01:11:40 you know, this is really good advice. So I agree with you. I didn't mean to cut you off. I'm sorry.
805. 01:11:43 Yeah, no, that's okay. That's really the gist of it. I think the majority of this is through the
806. 01:11:53 lens of finding the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with. And I feel like this
807. 01:12:00 is all stuff that I wish I would have read, not because I'm unhappy with the decision that I made.
808. 01:12:06 But I feel like this information, the way she packaged it would have been really helpful in
809. 01:12:10 navigating this when I was younger and trying to figure stuff out. I didn't really have a whole
810. 01:12:16 lot of support in this area from my family. Let's just say that. I got it. So I think this
811. 01:12:24 is actually really good. I agree that there are probably a bunch of people who this isn't speaking
812. 01:12:30 to the season of life that they find themselves in. But I do think that it's still great information
813. 01:12:38 and applies to the theme of the book very well. Well, and I think if you're writing for a popular
814. 01:12:43 audience, which she is, like she's clearly writing for a popular large scale audience,
815. 01:12:48 I think this chapter or the section is completely appropriate, right? Like, I mean, you have this
816. 01:12:54 section in here and it hits. It hits very, very well. All right. All right. So the conclusion is
817. 01:13:01 pretty short and just a couple of things of note here. For me, it's a good summary of the entire
818. 01:13:08 book. She mentions that you hold the power. You were the one who has been giving it away. Again,
819. 01:13:12 not the first time that she says that, but it's really the key concept I feel from the book.
820. 01:13:19 So good to hit it right at the end. No matter what happens, you decide how it will affect you.
821. 01:13:24 You are responsible for your own happiness. I feel like the profoundness of that statement
822. 01:13:32 is easy to gloss over. But if you do not like the situation that you are in,
823. 01:13:40 there is only one person at fault. It is you. It is not what other people have done to you.
824. 01:13:45 I grew up, my dad started a software company that does assessment skill building
825. 01:13:53 for special education and career exploration. But one of the areas is emotional intelligence
826. 01:13:57 to talk to a little bit about that in the past. But one of his products was this personal
827. 01:14:00 responsibility, really its self-determination. And this was the one that always fascinated me
828. 01:14:06 the most. And it's the one that most people push back on because like, well, you don't know what
829. 01:14:11 situation I was born into. And there is like on the surface, at least there is a legitimate
830. 01:14:19 argument to be made. But the problem is, okay, maybe life wasn't fair because she calls that out
831. 01:14:24 several times here. Life isn't fair. What are you going to do about it? You were born into that
832. 01:14:29 situation. You came from a single parent home, like you didn't have the same advantages as
833. 01:14:34 everybody else. But what are you going to do from this moment forward? And what I love about this
834. 01:14:41 is like all the research behind this that shows that the people who get this, who actually just
835. 01:14:46 take control of their future, they decide that they're not going to be a victim any longer. And
836. 01:14:52 they are going to achieve their goals and get what they want out of life. Those are the ones that
837. 01:14:58 end up doing the amazing things. And there's so much research behind that particular product.
838. 01:15:03 And I've seen it used in like a lot of at risk programs in big cities where a lot of these kids
839. 01:15:09 come from the single parent homes and they don't have a great situation. And there's nothing better
840. 01:15:14 than seeing somebody overcome that stuff. And wouldn't it be great if no one had to be in that
841. 01:15:20 situation? Yes, it would be. I am not disagreeing that it's not fair, but also like I don't have a
842. 01:15:27 magic wand and I can't just fix it for you either. So what do we do about this? And really what she's
843. 01:15:34 hitting out here in this conclusion in a much more, much more succinct way than I am describing
844. 01:15:41 here is you have more power than you realize. And if you can direct it towards something positive,
845. 01:15:48 who knows what you're going to be able to achieve. And that power is choosing not to
846. 01:15:58 not to whatever, right? So it's like, let it go. Don't have control over it. Try not to
847. 01:16:04 overly regulate that thing, which is such a kind of a counterintuitive way to think about it. It's
848. 01:16:09 like, Oh, I'm just going to let that go. I'm going to let that happen. My favorite part without a
849. 01:16:15 doubt, Mike, of this of the conclusion is that she ended with let me like I love that the last two
850. 01:16:22 words in the book are let me because it's called the let them theory. That's the title of the book.
851. 01:16:28 But really what it's about is it's about letting me let them and then letting me do what I need to
852. 01:16:36 do based on that. Like, so it's like, the real crux of it all is, is like you. But the let them
853. 01:16:44 theory allows you to get to that part, right? You know, and it's like, I just, I, I really like
854. 01:16:49 that that she ended it that way. Like, I mean, I saw the last, the end of the conclusion as the like,
855. 01:16:55 you know, it's like the coach's speech at the end, like, go get them. You know, you're going to do
856. 01:16:58 great. Like, you got to, you got to own this thing. But it's like the fact that she ended it that way,
857. 01:17:03 I thought was a very, very powerful and subtle, but at the same time, like good way to wrap up the book.
858. 01:17:10 And that's the brilliance of the book, to be honest, like, it's not the first time that she does that.
859. 01:17:15 It's the natural conclusion of everything that she's described. She does a great job weaving that
860. 01:17:21 through. And then that is the exclamation point on the end. So if you were to summarize this whole
861. 01:17:27 book, again, it could be a blog post, right? Let them do what they're going to do. As long as you're
862. 01:17:32 concerned about what they're doing, you're not going to do anything. You are going to just
863. 01:17:37 react to what they do. And your world will continue to be made small. But once you decide, okay,
864. 01:17:44 let them. Now there's this vacuum. There's this void. What are you going to do with this? So
865. 01:17:49 let me replace that negative image, that unfair, you know, people are doing these things. There's
866. 01:17:54 nothing I can do about it with, I can do whatever I want. What am I going to do next? That's it in
867. 01:18:00 a nutshell. And that message is so powerful. Yep. Yep. I thought it was overall great, great.
868. 01:18:07 All right. Action items. My book, I'll go first. I'm going to start using the five second rule,
869. 01:18:16 as mentioned in the introduction. I'm thinking about adding, let them to my personal core values.
870. 01:18:24 The more I read through this, the less I felt compelled to do this specific thing,
871. 01:18:30 but I do think that it's a powerful idea. And I want to figure out how to incorporate that
872. 01:18:35 into like my daily affirmations, core values, et cetera. Part of the consistent
873. 01:18:43 life theme personal retreat process. And then the last one is to be the one to go first,
874. 01:18:49 shared some examples of already doing that in Boise. But I want to do this in other areas of my
875. 01:18:55 life as well. I had two coming out of this. One is to read the five resets. I thought that book
876. 01:19:01 just seemed completely relevant and ready for right now. And the other one would be to identify
877. 01:19:07 where I already and then also where I need to apply, like the idea of let them, the let them
878. 01:19:12 theory. Because I think this is one of those books we've said this a couple of different times.
879. 01:19:17 It's going to stew underneath a lot of life for a while. And maybe for a long, long time to where
880. 01:19:26 I'm just going to be like, nope, this is one of those areas where I need to let them. I just need
881. 01:19:29 to just not get involved. Or I need to let them do that thing. And then I need to respond in the
882. 01:19:35 following way. And I think one of the powers of this book, and I'm trying not to get the
883. 01:19:43 style of rating it. One of the powers of this book is how easy it is to take the core concept
884. 01:19:48 away from this. And that's what I want to I want to try to identify as we as we move forward.
885. 01:19:53 Yeah, exactly. All right, so that's a great transition into style and rating. So this is
886. 01:20:01 really difficult to describe because the core idea is so simple. It's a couple of sentences.
887. 01:20:09 But there's so much context that she gives throughout the rest of the book
888. 01:20:14 that it almost feels necessary to go through the 300 pages to really get it. An argument could be
889. 01:20:22 made that you could skip the last three chapters, as you mentioned, depending on your season of
890. 01:20:28 life, right? Correct. They might be all they might also be the most valuable three chapters of the
891. 01:20:32 whole book. Correct. So on the surface, this has the same characteristics of many other business
892. 01:20:41 books that I have read, where I have left thinking that should have been a blog post.
893. 01:20:48 I 100% do not feel that way about this book. I cannot figure out exactly why other than her
894. 01:20:56 writing style. I feel like there's no fluff here. There's just very succinct stories. And I feel
895. 01:21:04 like even the chapters, a lot of the chapters in books that we read, they tend to follow a format.
896. 01:21:12 And it's usually somewhere along the lines of here's a story. Here's the concept. Here's the takeaway.
897. 01:21:20 And I feel like every single chapter within the first paragraph or two, she sort of foreshadows
898. 01:21:28 the key concept if you're paying attention. I don't think I've ever seen anybody
899. 01:21:35 do it that way, or at least do it that effectively in all of the books that I have ever read.
900. 01:21:42 She is an amazing writer. I want to be like Mel Robbins when I grow up.
901. 01:21:47 There you go. You're going to imitator, right? Probably. I mean, we didn't really talk about
902. 01:21:52 this either, but each of the chapters at the end, there's three bullets in terms of like,
903. 01:21:57 what is the thing? What's the big idea? What are you supposed to do with it? And while I generally,
904. 01:22:03 by when I see those sort of like summaries at the end of chapters in books, most of the time gloss
905. 01:22:09 over them or skip over them, I didn't do that with this one. It's really, really good. I think
906. 01:22:14 this is a five star book. I have a feeling this is going to be one of those ones that I can look
907. 01:22:20 back at like that profoundly impacted me. Now it's new, so it's hard to tell whether that stuff's
908. 01:22:25 going to stick. And I can tell you, even in the brief time since I have finished this, that already
909. 01:22:31 there have been times, it's like, Oh, I know what to do, let them let them and it's still hard,
910. 01:22:35 right? But I do believe that this is going to have a lasting impact in my life. And I am very
911. 01:22:44 glad that, that I read this. I think that I would recommend this book to just about everyone. Okay.
912. 01:22:53 In fact, I had it with me while I was a Boise, I had it on the table last night. My parents
913. 01:23:00 came over for for Father's Day dinner. And every single person who has seen it has picked it up,
914. 01:23:05 kind of leaf through it. What's this about? And I'm explaining it and then like, Oh, that sounds
915. 01:23:09 awesome. Yeah, yeah. I think this is this is broadly applicable. I think the temptation maybe is,
916. 01:23:17 well, I kind of know that already. And if that's you, you're not willing to put in the work, like
917. 01:23:22 it's probably not that you're not going to get the benefit from it. Maybe you do kind of know
918. 01:23:26 it already, you know, I kind of knew it already too. But I still got a ton out of it. I think it's
919. 01:23:34 brilliantly packaged. It feels fresh, doesn't follow the standard cookie cutter. This is your
920. 01:23:41 standard nonfiction book with three different sections we progress from one to the other. Like,
921. 01:23:46 yeah, it's really well put together. It's a fun read, but it's also a very educational read, I feel.
922. 01:23:55 I honestly think if you go into this with an open mind, even for a small period of time,
923. 01:24:01 just give it like 20 pages, it is impossible to not find something that could change your life
924. 01:24:06 for the better. Yeah, I, so I agree with you in terms of, I think, the chapters flowed
925. 01:24:15 extraordinarily well. And I think it was because of what you described. It's, here's a foreshadow
926. 01:24:19 to the idea. Here's context to describe it, the idea, and then here we're going to drive the idea
927. 01:24:24 home. But this is like writing 101. Like, so the, it's, it's, you know, thesis statement,
928. 01:24:32 evidence, right? And then transition slash summary to move on to the next point. It's like, this is,
929. 01:24:37 this is, this is, these are statement 101, like it's writing 101. But I think she executed it
930. 01:24:41 extraordinarily well. I think I'm going to get a lot out of this that I will use in the future.
931. 01:24:51 I think even if I don't use a lot of it in the future, just the core principle, let them let me
932. 01:24:56 apply the different context is enough to make it worth 300 some pages, right? Like, I really do.
933. 01:25:03 Like, I also think that I can recommend to folks look at your, look at the table of contents. And
934. 01:25:09 if there's sections of it that you're like, I just don't feel like I need that section. Okay,
935. 01:25:14 just don't read it, read the rest of it, because you're going to get a lot out of the rest of it.
936. 01:25:18 And then it might intrigue you so much that you go back and you read those sections that you
937. 01:25:21 didn't think you needed to read. So it's like, I'm, like, I'm definitely in the camp of saying,
938. 01:25:27 I think people should read this book. It is easy to see having read the book why it is so popular,
939. 01:25:33 like that why, and if her other books are like this, why her writing is so popular,
940. 01:25:38 why she's been able to be so successful in terms of writing, is because if she does what she does
941. 01:25:43 here, she takes a very, very simple idea, she adds detail, and I want to be very, very clear,
942. 01:25:50 she adds detail, not fluff. Like, I don't think she added fluff to this book. I think she added
943. 01:25:54 detail to this book to help make her points even stronger or more applicable, like to help make
944. 01:26:00 the let them let me more applicable in different areas. I think the knock that I have with this book
945. 01:26:07 is I don't resonate with her stories. I don't resonate with some of her examples. I think she
946. 01:26:15 and I are just different people and that's okay, right? That's great because I don't think it takes
947. 01:26:21 away from the core message of the book. I think it's just a matter of like some of the styles of
948. 01:26:26 the way she told stories or some of the stories that she actually told. I wouldn't tell those same
949. 01:26:30 stories. So that's okay. I'm completely fine with the way that works, but that is going to knock my
950. 01:26:36 rating down, but it's only going to knock it down one notch. This is a four-star book for me.
951. 01:26:40 This is a book that I would encourage people to read as well, especially folks who are struggling
952. 01:26:46 in certain areas with control, with people pleasing, with some of these other different ideas that I
953. 01:26:53 think so many people are really wrestling with, including myself in different areas. I think this
954. 01:27:00 is a very, very, very valuable book to kind of work through and be exposed to some of these ideas
955. 01:27:07 and try to figure out how to apply those into your life. So without a doubt, a four-star book only
956. 01:27:12 knock from me comes from some of the examples. I would have used different examples in those,
957. 01:27:17 but everything else about it, I thought was great. All right. Well, let's put the let them theory on
958. 01:27:25 the shelf. What's next, Corey? All right. So I'm making a switch. So for those of you who are
959. 01:27:31 consistent listeners, I was calling a bookworm audible. I am calling a bookworm audible. I got
960. 01:27:37 approval from my co-host before the show, but it ties into my action item. And I just, I told him,
961. 01:27:44 like, I'm going to go on vacation here. And I don't want to read a book about writing on vacation. I'd
962. 01:27:50 much rather read this book than one of one vacation. So it's called the five resets. It's a book about
963. 01:27:55 stress management. It's by Dr. Aditi Nurekar. And I just think it's going to be a really, really
964. 01:28:03 interesting cool book about stress management and how to reset different aspects. And I'm really glad
965. 01:28:09 that we can make the audible and we can adjust this because I'm like jazz to read this book.
966. 01:28:14 It's only a couple years old, but I'm like, I don't want to say like this might be the most
967. 01:28:19 excited I've been about reading a book in a long time. But this might be the most excited
968. 01:28:22 I've been about reading a book in a long time. So the next one is the five resets, pick it up.
969. 01:28:29 And we'll be reading that one next for the show. Mike, what about you? What's after that?
970. 01:28:33 All right. So after that, there were several possibilities that I floated. But the one
971. 01:28:42 that I am most excited to read currently is a new book by Pat Flynn called Lean Learning.
972. 01:28:52 And I saw Pat speak at the Craft and Commerce conference. His talk was basically about how
973. 01:28:58 he built a one million subscriber business twice. You followed him for a while. He did that with
974. 01:29:02 Smart Passive Income. And then he did it again with his Pokemon project. And he talked about the
975. 01:29:09 different principles from this book, which allowed him to grow both of those. The subtitles,
976. 01:29:15 how to achieve more by learning less. So that's interesting. And then at the top, there is a couple
977. 01:29:22 things that are crossed out. Number one, learn everything. Number two, get overwhelmed. Number
978. 01:29:26 three, give up. I have fallen into that trap before. So I'm excited to read this one.
979. 01:29:35 There are a couple of other recommendations, by the way, in the, we'll have the link to
980. 01:29:40 the recommendations if you want to recommend a book for bookworm. But thank you to Mark Levison,
981. 01:29:44 who submitted a couple, which also looked interesting. AI snake oil, what artificial
982. 01:29:49 intelligence can do, what it can't, how to tell the difference. Then you mentioned another one,
983. 01:29:53 how to fall in love with questions, a new way to thrive in times of uncertainty. That one in
984. 01:29:57 particular seems right in my wheelhouse. And I'm definitely looking forward to reading that one.
985. 01:30:03 I am not going to, however, select either of those as a gap book this time around,
986. 01:30:09 because I am going to try and get caught up on all of the work that I did not do last week
987. 01:30:16 while at the conference instead. How about you, Corey? You got any gap books?
988. 01:30:20 No, I'm going on vacation at the end of this week. And I only want to read the book that
989. 01:30:26 we're reading right now. I did finish a praying church. And that was good. So I finished my
990. 01:30:31 gap book from last time. But I am intentionally not going to pick a gap book this one this round.
991. 01:30:37 That's all right. We'll allow it. Well, thank you to everyone for listening. Thank you to Blake
992. 01:30:44 specifically, who has been very active in the live chat. If you want to join him, you should
993. 01:30:48 totally support the show by going to patreon.com/bookwormfm. You'll get notified every time we go live.
994. 01:30:55 And you'll get some additional goodies like a profeed that doesn't have any ads or a bootleg
995. 01:31:04 feed, which gets uploaded right after we get done. So you get the episode usually about two weeks
996. 01:31:10 early. This time it's just going to be a week because I was traveling. But you get that. You get
997. 01:31:15 a 4k bookworm wallpaper and seven bucks a month. So if you want to support the show, that is a
998. 01:31:23 great way to do it. And thank you to everybody who does. If you want to join some of those
999. 01:31:27 beautiful, amazing people, then go to patreon.com/bookwormfm. And if you're reading along with us,
1000. 01:31:34 go ahead and put the let them theory on the shelf and pick up the five resets. Rewire your
1001. 01:31:40 brain and body for less stress and more resilience. We'll talk to you all next time.