9: Daring Greatly by Brené Brown

Click any line to jump to that moment.

1. 00:00:00 How did things go with you at the whole I want to go to the last one there because I want to know
2. 00:00:04 How did your breakpoint ritual thing for fast recovery go?
3. 00:00:08 Well
4. 00:00:12 This is something I still need to kind of figure out, but this is what I've discovered from
5. 00:00:17 Watching my patterns and this seems to work pretty well
6. 00:00:21 is that at any given day I will go to several different locations and
7. 00:00:29 So what I'll do is I'll focus on a project like maybe I'm working on a video for Asian efficiency
8. 00:00:36 And I'll spend sometimes couple hours doing that specific task and then when I get done
9. 00:00:43 I will actually go somewhere else
10. 00:00:46 so to a coffee shop or
11. 00:00:49 to my off-site office or
12. 00:00:51 to the library, but just getting a change of scenery
13. 00:00:57 really helps me and
14. 00:00:59 for whatever reason it seems like the travel time in between there is
15. 00:01:04 kind of at least what I've conditioned myself to do is my
16. 00:01:09 breakpoint ritual
17. 00:01:12 and like I said I
18. 00:01:14 Just kind of noticed this pattern and recognized that it does seem to be working at least to some degree
19. 00:01:20 But I'm gonna try a few things to tweak it in the future. So we may have to follow up with this one again
20. 00:01:26 Okay, that's kind of where that's at
21. 00:01:28 interesting so
22. 00:01:30 Just so I understand so the whole point of this is to take advantage of short periods of time
23. 00:01:36 so that you can I
24. 00:01:39 Guess re-energize before you get into something so you're taking advantage of the what is it?
25. 00:01:44 In tennis, it's like the 90 seconds between points and you're trying to take advantage of that so that
26. 00:01:50 you can
27. 00:01:54 How do I say that you can get more energy for the next thing you're moving into did I say that right?
28. 00:02:00 Yeah, I kind of view it as like pedaling before the hill, okay?
29. 00:02:06 You know that you're you know that you're gonna have this in my specific situation
30. 00:02:10 I'll just say like a deep work period coming up, okay
31. 00:02:13 and so
32. 00:02:15 You're not like freaking out because that's coming up
33. 00:02:18 But it is on your radar and you realize that by the time you sit down to work on this thing which
34. 00:02:23 Going even further back
35. 00:02:26 You know when we talked about how I was scheduling out every hour of my day on my digital calendar like that helps too because I know at
36. 00:02:32 3 p.m
37. 00:02:32 I'm gonna be here doing this and so if I get done at 230 now, I know I can kind of zone out
38. 00:02:40 Relax usually that's when I'm in transit between different places
39. 00:02:44 And then I know that when I get there like I've got to hit the ground running if that makes sense
40. 00:02:50 Yeah, so just recognizing that I think helps me
41. 00:02:53 not have to deal with the
42. 00:02:56 Procrastination that would typically come from like okay now
43. 00:03:00 I'm here at my desk and I know I need to work on this thing
44. 00:03:02 But I just don't feel like it. I've already kind of gotten myself to the point where oh, yeah, let's do this
45. 00:03:08 So what do you what do you do?
46. 00:03:11 You've got your time period. Are you like doing breathing?
47. 00:03:15 Things are you just trying to focus your mind on certain things? What is the exact thing you're doing?
48. 00:03:20 I'm getting real specific on you
49. 00:03:22 Yeah, and that's that's the thing where I haven't really articulated it
50. 00:03:27 I kind of making some general observations here
51. 00:03:29 I'm like this is what I've been doing and like I said it seems to be working pretty well
52. 00:03:32 But now I feel like I can start to fine tune this a little bit
53. 00:03:36 I think what I do there's no specific
54. 00:03:40 Ritual like I'm going to do so many sets of breathing or anything like that
55. 00:03:44 Maybe I should try some of those things, but that's not where I've that's not where I'm at right now
56. 00:03:49 what I
57. 00:03:51 Basically I'm doing is checking the box. Okay. I'm done with this task now
58. 00:03:56 I can usually reward myself by listening to part of a podcast for example while I'm in the car
59. 00:04:03 But if I'm in the car and I'm listening to the podcast
60. 00:04:06 I know like I pull into the parking lot at my office that the entire walk up to my office
61. 00:04:11 I am thinking about what I'm going to be doing. So I'm kind of shifting gears there
62. 00:04:16 it basically is
63. 00:04:19 And I use podcasts. I'm a little bit weird. So that that's my my reward so to speak. I guess
64. 00:04:24 I'm trying to be intentional about where specifically I listen to those and not just have them playing all the time
65. 00:04:31 So that's kind of the spot that I've I've settled in on is like by transit times
66. 00:04:35 That's when I'm really gonna gonna crank out some of those podcasts and so that's my little treat and then when I get out of the car
67. 00:04:41 It's okay. Now. I got to focus
68. 00:04:44 I got to start pedaling before the hill because when I get to the office like this has got to happen
69. 00:04:48 It makes a lot of sense. Yeah, it does it does
70. 00:04:52 I think and just to clarify a little bit part of these these action items are coming from
71. 00:04:59 the
72. 00:05:01 book that we went through last time the power of full engagement and what you're talking about for
73. 00:05:06 like these
74. 00:05:08 Reenergizing rituals and the the short time periods. That's kind of what I did with
75. 00:05:12 The whole shutdown ritual piece because I know that was a thing I took away was I wanted to do something
76. 00:05:17 Towards the end of my day just so I could get that transition period from
77. 00:05:22 my work stuff to family life because that's
78. 00:05:27 We all deal with that. That's a painful transition that a lot of us deal with is I'm doing stuff at work
79. 00:05:33 I'm head down. I'm really good at getting myself focused on that and then I go home and it's like every
80. 00:05:39 battle armor piece comes off and we we stop
81. 00:05:44 being as
82. 00:05:46 intentional with
83. 00:05:47 Our focus and we're not as on the game when we get home and that just means that our family ends up catching
84. 00:05:53 The second tier of us, which is not what I want
85. 00:05:56 so part of what I did was put together this shutdown ritual and
86. 00:06:01 Part of the reason I was asking specifically what you were doing is because I found that with mine
87. 00:06:05 It was extremely helpful to do some of those breathing exercises
88. 00:06:10 And it's real simple stuff like you know
89. 00:06:13 breathe in for a certain amount of seconds and breathe out for a certain number of seconds and do that like ten times and
90. 00:06:18 It's it's crazy to me how much that little adjustment
91. 00:06:22 can make a big impact whenever it comes to
92. 00:06:26 Going upstairs because it's seven steps up the stairs to to home. So it's literally a ten second commute
93. 00:06:35 so that means that
94. 00:06:37 Work stuff is very easy to take with you mentally
95. 00:06:40 I mean it's pretty easy to shut things down and shut off the computer shut off all of the the work stuff on your computer and pieces
96. 00:06:47 But getting your mind to shut down. That's not nearly as easy
97. 00:06:52 Right and that's one of the things that I discovered during my when I was thinking about this breakpoint ritual and knowing that I was
98. 00:06:59 Gonna have to give you an answer when we recorded today
99. 00:07:02 Was out I guess a couple weeks ago maybe a month ago
100. 00:07:06 I was kind of in this place where I was thinking about
101. 00:07:09 Where we're spending money as a family and do I really need this off-site office because in reality when I go there
102. 00:07:18 I'm there for a couple hours some days. I don't even get here and
103. 00:07:22 It's kind of expensive. So maybe I should just
104. 00:07:25 Get out of that office and then I tried just going to the office and working for an extended period of time
105. 00:07:33 Like even six hours out of my day. I find that I start to go crazy
106. 00:07:39 But I do that no matter where I am and so
107. 00:07:43 Kind of what I've resolved is that I'm gonna keep the office and it's okay that I am gonna pop around from place to place to place
108. 00:07:51 Because that's kind of my natural rhythm in terms of my productivity and how I get stuff done
109. 00:07:57 That makes sense. That makes sense. So you can create those oscillations like what you were talking about last time
110. 00:08:03 Yeah, but I cannot do it sounds like you
111. 00:08:06 You know you've got an office at at home and you go down to your office and you and you work
112. 00:08:11 And then when it's time to be done for the day you go upstairs or wherever your office is located and I don't think
113. 00:08:17 I'd be able to do that. I think I need more time
114. 00:08:21 to make that mental shift and
115. 00:08:23 I would agree with that that
116. 00:08:25 The way I do things in the way my office is set up
117. 00:08:29 Just to bring clarity around that so I work from home obviously and
118. 00:08:35 What I do is I go downstairs to our family room so at seven steps down
119. 00:08:40 There's a door to our family room. So I go inside the family room
120. 00:08:43 I think our room this room is supposed to be the master suite of the house
121. 00:08:48 I think and the only reason I say this because there's a fireplace here
122. 00:08:51 There's a bathroom and then there's like a walk-in closet and the walk-in closet is I think it's what is it?
123. 00:08:58 10 feet wide. I think it's what it amounts to so it's 10 feet wide and it's about 3 and a half to 4 feet deep
124. 00:09:04 So it's a pretty big
125. 00:09:05 closet
126. 00:09:06 I took that closet and put a desk inside of it and it's got like those bi-fold doors
127. 00:09:11 So two sets of bi-fold doors. So it's a full-on five-foot wide
128. 00:09:15 Opening to it so I can open those up and then my desk and everything is inside that closet
129. 00:09:19 It's kind of weird. I know anyway walks very short my desk and office and everything is inside that closet. Well
130. 00:09:26 what I do is I go to work and when I go to work and I
131. 00:09:31 Essentially do all the mindset shifts so that I'm
132. 00:09:36 Separated and I'm staying at work when I get there and then the process of
133. 00:09:42 Shutting it down is kind of like what I was talking about. You've got the rituals. You've got ways that separate off
134. 00:09:46 So I kind of treat it during the day as if it is a full-on
135. 00:09:51 separate place so
136. 00:09:54 My family doesn't come and interrupt. I try not to make frequent trips upstairs
137. 00:09:59 It's just a constant thing where I keep that separation and treat it like it's an external
138. 00:10:04 Office and I think if it wasn't for that especially having the door to the office
139. 00:10:08 I think if it wasn't for that
140. 00:10:10 It would be very very difficult to
141. 00:10:12 Create that kind of separation so I've kind of built a lot of that in but I've been working from home for three years now
142. 00:10:19 So I've I've got a little bit of experience with it. It's it's not for everybody. I will say that
143. 00:10:25 Your pro I'm still a newbie
144. 00:10:28 How long have you been working from home?
145. 00:10:31 Officially a year as of July
146. 00:10:36 Okay, so you got your feet wet with it and you're starting to get all the details figured out that explains some of your
147. 00:10:43 Rituals and why those are helpful like some of the because I feel like some of the rituals that people put in place
148. 00:10:48 Can that they're like how do I explain that?
149. 00:10:53 It's where you're you're new to a scenario
150. 00:10:56 So you put in certain routines and rituals to help you learn how to work in that scenario does that make sense?
151. 00:11:00 It's it's like a transitional routine so that it helps you learn the different scenarios
152. 00:11:04 I had to do a lot of that stuff whenever I first started working from home
153. 00:11:07 because I had to do I
154. 00:11:10 Treated it as if it was an external office and still did the I put on my
155. 00:11:13 Slacks and button up and that's just what I wore to work
156. 00:11:16 So I dressed up for work even though I was just at home
157. 00:11:19 So I had to do a lot of that stuff at least at first just to keep me
158. 00:11:22 To keep me on the game. Otherwise, it was just ridiculous and I could never think of it
159. 00:11:28 I just kept thinking oh, I'm at home. I'm at the family room. Let's watch TV like that's just what I kept thinking
160. 00:11:34 For a while. I did a really good job of
161. 00:11:36 The same same sort of thing I was gonna maintain my my dress code but in the last probably month or two
162. 00:11:44 I've definitely fallen into shorts in a t-shirt. Yep. Yep. I
163. 00:11:49 Get it. I get it
164. 00:11:52 Is there anything else on follow-up or are we good?
165. 00:11:55 Nope, I think it's time to talk about our feelings. Okay. All right, so the book for this week is
166. 00:12:04 Daring greatly by Brene Brown and this is my pick and part of the reason I picked this because
167. 00:12:11 It's not a simple reasoning for picking this so I think it makes a lot of sense, but
168. 00:12:17 to me, I've I've always struggled with I
169. 00:12:21 guess opening up and letting people get close to me I've always been very defensive as a person and
170. 00:12:28 I could honestly say I could never tell you why I am that way
171. 00:12:33 and I watched a couple of
172. 00:12:35 Brene Brown's TED talks which she references heavily in this book, but I'd watched the two that she mentions in the book and
173. 00:12:44 kind of got hooked on her as a person and as a researcher and
174. 00:12:49 Have followed quite a bit of her stuff in the past and I just felt like this is this would be a good time to finally pick the book up and
175. 00:12:56 And work through it. So
176. 00:12:59 Here we are and now we get to talk about our feelings Mike. Sorry about that. That's all right
177. 00:13:04 I have not watched the the TED talks by the way, so you mentioned that she has a
178. 00:13:09 Texas accent, but I
179. 00:13:12 Did not hear that as I was going through the yeah
180. 00:13:15 See if you're gonna pick this up if you're gonna read it. I I do highly recommend that you watch those TED talks because
181. 00:13:23 this whole time
182. 00:13:26 I I have some friends who are in Texas and I have worked with some people in Texas and I love the Texan accent
183. 00:13:33 I cannot tell you why I just know that I do and
184. 00:13:36 listening to Brene and her talks
185. 00:13:40 Immediately meant that as I was reading this book I was hearing a Texan accent the whole time. It was awesome and
186. 00:13:49 Made it a lot of fun
187. 00:13:53 I go to Texas fairly frequently, but I go there to meet with the Asian efficiency crew
188. 00:13:59 So tan and zack definitely do not have Texas
189. 00:14:01 I don't think I could see tan with a Texan accent. I could see zack picking one up over time
190. 00:14:11 But maybe I don't think I'll ever hear tan
191. 00:14:15 No
192. 00:14:17 in that way
193. 00:14:19 Anyway, uh, let's see. So yes, I recommend watching the TED talks as
194. 00:14:25 kind of a precursor to this because it will also make some sense
195. 00:14:29 Because she references those quite a bit in the book and I think it makes a lot of sense to see
196. 00:14:35 the two that she
197. 00:14:38 Presented before you read the book because there's a lot of the references that I think she makes in the book that
198. 00:14:43 That seemed to come more to life to me. They did I
199. 00:14:49 I read one of the scenarios to my wife and it didn't make any sense to her at all
200. 00:14:54 So it made me wonder if the TED talks were
201. 00:14:57 required watching before this, but I don't know you'll have to let me know what you thought
202. 00:15:02 well
203. 00:15:05 Brene references
204. 00:15:07 Other books that she's written the TED talks other places in this book
205. 00:15:12 A lot in fact my wife sat next to me one night when I was reading this and just read over my shoulder for a couple
206. 00:15:19 pages and she made the same mistake I did and thought that Brene was actually a guy for some reason
207. 00:15:25 Ah
208. 00:15:26 And she said this guy refers to himself way too much
209. 00:15:29 And it didn't really bother me, but you know a casual observers
210. 00:15:35 uh
211. 00:15:37 opinion, I guess
212. 00:15:38 There there were a lot of citations of different articles that she did and uh other other books that she's written
213. 00:15:46 So I kind of feel like this book
214. 00:15:49 uh
215. 00:15:51 Is a little bit different in that most of the books that we we tackle are on
216. 00:15:56 Like a specific topic and maybe that's just the way that a lot of the people in the productivity space anyways or the leadership
217. 00:16:03 Type books that we would typically read
218. 00:16:05 Maybe they get you know a book deal and they're they're going to write this book about this
219. 00:16:10 Specific topic and then they're going to move on to the next thing
220. 00:16:14 It really seemed like
221. 00:16:16 For Brene when when she was writing this book it was the culmination of the evolution of her journey
222. 00:16:23 Basically everything that she's gone through to get to this point
223. 00:16:26 And so she's building off of all these other experiences all these other things that she's built and written over the years
224. 00:16:33 And I think that's actually pretty cool. I like that approach rather than just okay
225. 00:16:38 Now i'm going to talk about this topic and then later on i'll talk about a different topic
226. 00:16:42 Yeah, that was one thing that I
227. 00:16:44 Because I haven't read her other books obviously
228. 00:16:48 uh
229. 00:16:50 So that meant that there was a lot of the stuff that she brought up that I found myself
230. 00:16:54 clipping or
231. 00:16:56 Hunting down some of the articles that she was talking about so that I could go look them up later
232. 00:17:00 So I found myself doing that quite a bit and i'm okay with that. I think that's
233. 00:17:04 Okay to have some of that. I will agree that she did do it a lot
234. 00:17:10 Uh, not I don't think she did it excessively though that that would be at least my opinion
235. 00:17:15 I don't think she did it excessively, but to me it was helpful to think of it that way of
236. 00:17:19 this is a culmination of
237. 00:17:21 Multiple years what was it 12 years of research? I think is what she said
238. 00:17:26 Uh, so it's it's a lot of research that's gone into
239. 00:17:30 This particular book. So it's I think it's well done
240. 00:17:36 Yeah, I I agree and I like a lot of the the things that she referenced and brought into this uh, this book
241. 00:17:43 I really like the
242. 00:17:46 Exerp she she clipped from theodor rosavelt's talk at the at the very beginning
243. 00:17:51 I actually shared that in a class that I taught over at uh at our church the other day on uncreative thinking
244. 00:17:58 Um, should I just read through the quote real quick? Yeah, I think so because
245. 00:18:03 Well, that's where the term daring greatly comes from and it's it's
246. 00:18:07 It culminates a lot of what she talks about in the entire book
247. 00:18:11 And I think there's a lot of value in the quote itself and there's so much of what we're
248. 00:18:15 Hopefully going to be going through here that will this will bring a lot of that to light
249. 00:18:19 I think and it'll be something we can reference to the rest of this
250. 00:18:22 Okay, cool. Yeah, this this quote is awesome. I need to get this frame then put somewhere
251. 00:18:27 I took that as an action here. It's like I want to get this framed
252. 00:18:31 Uh, so the quote goes it is not the critic who counts
253. 00:18:34 Not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better
254. 00:18:39 The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena
255. 00:18:43 Who's faces marred by dust and sweat and blood who strives valiantly who airs come short again and again
256. 00:18:49 Because there is no effort without error and shortcoming
257. 00:18:53 But who does actually strive to do the deeds who knows great enthusiasms the great devotions
258. 00:18:59 Spend some self in a worthy cause who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement
259. 00:19:06 And who at worst if he fails at least fails while daring greatly
260. 00:19:10 And that's from uh citizenship in a republic by theodor rosavelt from april 23rd 1910
261. 00:19:18 in perese france
262. 00:19:21 I missed that part
263. 00:19:24 It's okay. It's all right. No, I I love this especially
264. 00:19:28 the beginning of that second paragraph the credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena
265. 00:19:34 and part of the reason I bring that up is that
266. 00:19:36 as
267. 00:19:38 as people who create things for the internet and we create these things and we produce them and we kick them out
268. 00:19:45 uh, it's very easy to get large amounts of
269. 00:19:49 criticism online and
270. 00:19:52 Just as an example as of
271. 00:19:54 Was it a week ago? Yes a week ago. I launched
272. 00:19:58 Uh a new omni focus course videos and such
273. 00:20:01 Well, the important part is that anytime I launch something like that. There's always a wave of
274. 00:20:07 Feedback that comes from that. It's typically
275. 00:20:10 Going to come through email and even though i've done all this work on cutting back on the amount of email
276. 00:20:17 I get I still get a lot of this criticism stuff that comes in
277. 00:20:20 Simply because people will take the time to fill out a contact form just to be able to send you this stuff
278. 00:20:25 But there's a lot of people that will say this is a piece of junk. You should never write you should never create things
279. 00:20:30 these videos are worthless and
280. 00:20:32 Most of the time I would well in this case I would say all of the time
281. 00:20:39 Uh
282. 00:20:40 That feedback is coming from people who either
283. 00:20:43 One they're anonymous or two they've never created a video or a website in their life
284. 00:20:48 and three have no idea what they're talking about
285. 00:20:53 So in context of this quote, these are people they're not in the arena
286. 00:20:58 They're not in this whole creative world
287. 00:21:01 And what that ultimately tells you is that they're and i'm generalizing here of course
288. 00:21:07 But when it comes to these trolls, it's a lot of people who just don't
289. 00:21:11 They're not happy with where they're at in life. They're not happy that someone did something that they feel like they could have done
290. 00:21:18 So the only thing that they can think of to do is to lash out at the person who did it
291. 00:21:23 and
292. 00:21:25 I think bernaid talks about this quite a bit with this whole vulnerability thing because
293. 00:21:28 It's
294. 00:21:30 It's something that you have to put yourself out there. You have to continue creating
295. 00:21:34 And continue pushing to do things and it's okay if people are upset about it
296. 00:21:39 Just because they give you some negative feedback doesn't mean they actually know what they're talking about and it doesn't mean that you should trust them either
297. 00:21:48 Right don't don't trust the shame trolls
298. 00:21:51 It's true. It's true
299. 00:21:53 Yeah, the very the beginning of this book was very war of art esque. Yeah, it was a lot of stuff. Yeah
300. 00:21:59 Yeah, so it kind of harking back to reading reading that book
301. 00:22:04 But there was one phrase in particular that I really really liked
302. 00:22:07 About being uh to be creative. We must be vulnerable
303. 00:22:10 You had brought up vulnerability and that was obviously a big theme throughout this book
304. 00:22:16 But the uh the thing I wrote down was shame leads to fear leads to risk aversion and risk aversion
305. 00:22:21 Kills innovation. So a lot of times the people who are
306. 00:22:26 picking on all the little things that maybe you did wrong or aren't perfect about whatever you've created and you've published and you've
307. 00:22:34 Put out there to the world
308. 00:22:36 they
309. 00:22:38 Again generalizing but i'm going to say that most of them probably are stuck
310. 00:22:44 at that risk aversion stage where maybe they they're upset because they had this idea
311. 00:22:50 and
312. 00:22:51 They didn't do anything with it because
313. 00:22:53 They didn't want to expose themselves to the risk of somebody saying that that's not good enough
314. 00:22:59 Or they did it wrong or would have been better if they did it a different way
315. 00:23:02 And that kills innovation and I think that's really sad. I think there's a lot of people
316. 00:23:07 Even people that I've known in my own life who have had ideas for things
317. 00:23:13 And they'll tell me and like hey, yeah, that's a really good idea. You should do that
318. 00:23:16 and then they never actually do it and
319. 00:23:19 a lot of times I think about like well, what is the difference between
320. 00:23:23 somebody who
321. 00:23:25 Publishers or creates something and somebody who just has all of these
322. 00:23:29 Ideas and steven press field would say they give into the resistance
323. 00:23:34 But I think that this phrase really articulated it for me that they they had they experienced shame
324. 00:23:41 They experienced the fear but really the road of it is that risk aversion where they just want to play it safe
325. 00:23:46 And they just want to do what they know to do and they want to stay inside
326. 00:23:51 Their comfort zone, you know that they don't want to dare greatly as Theodore Roosevelt would say
327. 00:23:55 I think this is interesting because there's a lot of
328. 00:23:59 There's a lot of this out there
329. 00:24:03 It's very easy to find people who are
330. 00:24:06 We talked about this last time a little bit too of people who are just really upset with their work
331. 00:24:10 And they're not happy with what's going on and then they don't do anything about it
332. 00:24:14 They don't put it together a plan on how to change it. They don't do anything to
333. 00:24:17 You know, why are you here? What is your mission? What what would help you get fully engaged with everything that's going on?
334. 00:24:23 They don't want to ask those questions and
335. 00:24:26 One thing that she brings up here is
336. 00:24:29 This concept of exhaustion as a status symbol
337. 00:24:32 I mean when you talk to people how many times do folks say that you know, how are you doing?
338. 00:24:37 Oh, I'm busy and uh, you know, I'd rather be busy than bored like you just you hear that type of thing quite a bit
339. 00:24:43 And it makes me wonder
340. 00:24:46 If we're not hiding behind
341. 00:24:49 Busy
342. 00:24:51 I don't know if that's a good way to say that or not
343. 00:24:54 But it seems like to me that there's a lot of folks that
344. 00:24:57 Could do a lot of really good things, but like you're saying there's a lot of fear with putting yourself out there
345. 00:25:02 and there's a lot of anxiety that can come from
346. 00:25:05 Creating and putting things out in the world and and dealing with the potential for
347. 00:25:10 Negative feedback like what I was talking about with all the crazy emails and crazy people
348. 00:25:16 You know dealing with that is not fun. You just have to learn how to have a wall in that arena
349. 00:25:22 but
350. 00:25:24 We hide behind this pre preconceived notion of I'm busy so therefore I'm in a good place and
351. 00:25:30 We're all busy and that means that if I'm busy. I'm I'm getting somewhere. It just seems like
352. 00:25:35 That's the end all be all is to be busy, which makes zero sense whatsoever
353. 00:25:40 Yeah, and there's a whole section at the the end where she really kind of unpacks that
354. 00:25:47 but um from what you're talking about still at the beginning of the book, I think the way she phrased it
355. 00:25:53 was
356. 00:25:54 scarcity
357. 00:25:55 where
358. 00:25:57 It's never enough and she uses some examples like I didn't get enough sleep. I don't have enough time, etc
359. 00:26:02 and so I kind of view the busyness that people will put themselves under as
360. 00:26:08 an attempt to accumulate enough of
361. 00:26:12 whatever the the monetary
362. 00:26:15 Medium is that they they think they need in order to be successful
363. 00:26:20 But the the reality of it is that no matter how much of that stuff you accumulate
364. 00:26:25 No matter how much sleep you get no matter how much time you have if you never if you aren't
365. 00:26:32 enough
366. 00:26:34 Now you're never going to get to that point where you are satisfied
367. 00:26:38 We're never enough. It's just the way it is
368. 00:26:42 I think that's what she's getting at is it's very easy to
369. 00:26:46 Think internally of I'm I'm never going to do this right like take uh, you know, since we're talking about this omni focus course
370. 00:26:55 uh, the one thing that I fought with that was
371. 00:26:58 uh, David Sparks has his screen casts out on omnifocus and
372. 00:27:05 that like what I did is
373. 00:27:08 probably technically a direct competitor to that
374. 00:27:12 Which is no small thing when you have someone as great at screencasting as max barking
375. 00:27:19 And it's very easy to take a look at the things that he has done
376. 00:27:24 And then try to compare yourself to that and say I'm never good enough
377. 00:27:27 So what's the point in even trying?
378. 00:27:29 So it's very easy to take a look at that and think well, why would I even put myself out there?
379. 00:27:33 Because there's already great things out there. This is you know, take it to the next level with the trolls
380. 00:27:38 Like this is exactly what they're coming up with is
381. 00:27:41 They most likely and again i'm generalizing because I i'm not going to spend time trying to figure out what every troll is thinking
382. 00:27:47 Uh, but my my generalization generalization say that right generalization
383. 00:27:54 of
384. 00:27:55 People who will send that type of?
385. 00:27:57 Feedback is that they don't feel like they're good enough to do something so they don't and then they're upset about it and then they're
386. 00:28:05 Negative feedback is a way of making themselves
387. 00:28:09 Feel better. So I I get what you're saying with you really got to put yourself out there and a lot of this arena and
388. 00:28:15 A lot of this never good enough thing is very easy to
389. 00:28:20 overtake us and keep us from doing anything important, but she does talk about the scarcity thing quite a bit
390. 00:28:25 I had to kind of think about what does she mean by scarcity whenever it would come up quite a bit because to me
391. 00:28:31 I don't think of scarcity that way of I'm not good enough or I'm not something enough
392. 00:28:36 and
393. 00:28:38 It just threw me off a little bit just as a mental nomenclature thing
394. 00:28:42 Sure. Well, have you ever have you ever been into video games?
395. 00:28:47 No, I haven't I never have people always oh my gosh. I get you talk about negative feedback. I am not a gamer
396. 00:28:53 Well, maybe maybe that's why this clicked for me because I I used to be really into like the the role playing type games
397. 00:29:00 And the the core element in any role playing game is you want to get to a certain level
398. 00:29:07 You level up and then you get new abilities for your character. So that's kind of how I viewed this is like
399. 00:29:13 Scarcity not being enough. It's like well soon as I get to level 13
400. 00:29:16 You know then I'm going to be able to get this ability and then everything's just going to click
401. 00:29:21 Everything's going to be easier. But just like those role playing games as soon as you get to another level
402. 00:29:27 There's another level bad guy. There's another right boss character that you have to you have to defeat
403. 00:29:34 Who's also got increased abilities?
404. 00:29:36 So just like all of those game mechanics
405. 00:29:40 I would say in the real world like you're never going to get to the point where you're like, okay
406. 00:29:44 Yeah, now things are going to be good. You know, you have to be okay now
407. 00:29:48 And then when you get to that point
408. 00:29:51 Then everything else that you do and everything else that you would create
409. 00:29:55 It is enough because it's just an extension of who you are who you've already come to grips with and you don't have to worry so much
410. 00:30:04 I mean obviously you still the things that people say about the stuff that you create
411. 00:30:10 Bug you I know this too from my my book
412. 00:30:12 I don't remember all the people who gave it five stars and the four and a half star average rating on amazon
413. 00:30:17 I remember the one guy exactly didn't understand what I was saying and has theological issues with the way I presented a bible verse
414. 00:30:25 And I just what I don't I don't even think about all the people that it's helped and
415. 00:30:32 That's brought revelation in a different perspective to I think about the one guy
416. 00:30:37 And if I could just talk to that one guy and set him straight, you know, and sometimes it's it's anger
417. 00:30:42 It's like well, I wish I could talk to that guy and I could really set him straight
418. 00:30:45 If I could get him in a room we could talk it out and get it right right
419. 00:30:48 Right, but that's that doesn't that doesn't help. You know what helps is realizing that
420. 00:30:55 I have this thing in me and I need to get it out there
421. 00:30:59 And I'm gonna get it out there and I don't care what people think I am gonna throw it out there
422. 00:31:03 And when we do that honestly like if we take an objective look at the feedback that we get
423. 00:31:08 The fact that we are being vulnerable when we are creating something people do like that
424. 00:31:12 in fact
425. 00:31:14 She says that we love seeing raw truth and openness and other people but we're afraid to let them see it in us
426. 00:31:20 I think that's the
427. 00:31:22 the default reaction when people see something that you've created
428. 00:31:26 not the the internet trolls who are going to bash whatever you create as a
429. 00:31:30 You know a shield as bernay brown would call it in in this book
430. 00:31:33 But I think a lot of people are like hey, yeah, that's cool that you're you're making that and it kind of inspires them
431. 00:31:39 Even if they aren't going to get to the point where they're going to be the ones that want to
432. 00:31:44 Publish their thing. I read a statistic one time. I forget exactly what it is. So I'm probably going to mess this up
433. 00:31:50 But there's a surprising number of people who believe that they have a book in them and that they should write it
434. 00:31:58 It's something like 81 percent. Wow, but if you look at the number of books that are written every year
435. 00:32:04 It's like 0.04 percent that actually do it
436. 00:32:08 Wow, and so when just in the case of a book for example like when you
437. 00:32:13 I have people that go to church with me for example
438. 00:32:18 They they find out I wrote a book and they're like, oh man, that's really cool that you did that and a lot of them
439. 00:32:24 Have this dream have this idea to write a book
440. 00:32:27 But they haven't acted on it yet and the same thing could be used in the context of the video course that you created for omnifocus
441. 00:32:32 Which is good by the way. I haven't gotten back to you with my little blurb for your web. Oh awesome. Thank you
442. 00:32:36 I did start going through it
443. 00:32:39 and
444. 00:32:40 Yeah, so I think whatever the you know the medium or the arena is a principle is
445. 00:32:44 Still the same that
446. 00:32:47 Just when we when we reconcile in our heads that this is who we are
447. 00:32:52 You know our strengths our flaws whatever and I'm going to use what I have to create something
448. 00:32:58 then most of the people
449. 00:33:01 Are going to look at that as a positive thing and hopefully it's going to inspire some of them to take the step and overcome resistance and get
450. 00:33:08 Whatever's in their heart out into the world as well
451. 00:33:11 I do this a little bit with
452. 00:33:14 Some folks that I've talked to about this podcast about
453. 00:33:18 We we sit down we talk about a book and it's a book that we've read in two weeks
454. 00:33:23 and usually the response I get from that is what you read a book in two weeks and
455. 00:33:28 It's just this seriously you did that and if you stop and start quizzing about it and just start
456. 00:33:35 You know do do the math on it as as far as how much time does it actually take
457. 00:33:40 To read one and how how far do you have to read each day to do it? Well, depending on the length of the book
458. 00:33:47 It's usually somewhere between 15 and 20 pages a day
459. 00:33:50 I mean, which is not a lot. I mean if you take 20 to 25 minutes and a day depending on how fast you read
460. 00:33:56 You can read, you know enough to read a book in two weeks. At least that's my perspective
461. 00:34:02 Uh and whenever I bring that up to some people and say, you know, this is how much time I spend on it
462. 00:34:07 It's really not much. It's really small and the reason I bring that up is that
463. 00:34:14 It doesn't take a whole lot to do something big if you just chip away at it a little bit at a time
464. 00:34:19 We've talked about this before multiple times of just building the habits and do the little things day in and day out
465. 00:34:24 And you eventually come up with something big and I try to tell that to people
466. 00:34:28 Time and time again, and it just seems to go in one ear and out the other just like it's not hard
467. 00:34:33 It's really not you're just thinking about it wrong. You you have this in goal. It's way too big in your mind
468. 00:34:39 And you're thinking you have to sit down and read a third of a book in a day
469. 00:34:43 You don't have to do that. It's not that difficult. You just need to make sure you have a dedicated time for it every day and make it a priority
470. 00:34:49 I mean, it's that simple, but
471. 00:34:51 It's that difficult at the same time
472. 00:34:53 Yeah, and I think like reading a book you have a pretty good idea of there's just many pages
473. 00:35:00 I have to do this much this much each day, but when it comes to
474. 00:35:04 Creating something like your course for example, it's hard to articulate
475. 00:35:11 Soon as this thing is done, then it will be finished
476. 00:35:14 It's hard to estimate the scope in my opinion of a lot of those projects because as you're working on it
477. 00:35:19 Stuff will pop up
478. 00:35:21 Stuff will change
479. 00:35:22 You know, you might get in the middle of it and omni-relooses a new version and everything changes, you know
480. 00:35:28 Uh, all your all your screenshots all your videos like there's a new look now
481. 00:35:33 So you've got to redo them all
482. 00:35:35 And I I think that when it comes to creating something like that like you said
483. 00:35:40 That the key is to show up every day and just chip away at it
484. 00:35:44 But it's a decision every single day then to be vulnerable
485. 00:35:49 Because the the definition of vulnerability that she uses in the book is uncertainty risk and emotional exposure
486. 00:35:55 so
487. 00:35:58 To show up every day and say i'm gonna devote some time to this i'm going to devote some effort to this
488. 00:36:02 I'm going to put my heart and soul into this thing
489. 00:36:05 And not know exactly what the end product is going to look like that's really hard for some people
490. 00:36:12 I think the
491. 00:36:15 For me the omni-focus course is a good example and I don't mean to be you know for the listeners
492. 00:36:19 I'm sorry that we keep talking about it. This is not a promotional thing. This is just a this is the latest thing I did
493. 00:36:24 and it's it's something like what you're saying where
494. 00:36:27 With omni-focus with a task manager like this and we're both productivity nerds
495. 00:36:33 uh
496. 00:36:34 When it comes to something like that, it's a very personal thing because the items that you put in there
497. 00:36:40 That you put in that system are very very close to your heart
498. 00:36:44 You know, i've got things in there about my wife. I've got a lot of things in there about my family
499. 00:36:49 me personally the things that are that go through my mind that
500. 00:36:54 Very few people will ever see or hear about
501. 00:36:58 So there's a lot of very close things to each person inside those types of systems
502. 00:37:03 And whenever you build something like a video course
503. 00:37:07 Obviously you want to use a demonstration
504. 00:37:10 Uh tool for it and just have a new database for it, but in the case of this one
505. 00:37:16 It didn't want to I didn't want it to be that way because that's what everybody does
506. 00:37:21 That's what a lot of folks want to do. So
507. 00:37:24 When you're creating something like that you have to in order to connect with people you want to put yourself out there
508. 00:37:29 You know, she's got the quote and it's similar to what I think you were getting at
509. 00:37:34 I see if I can get this pulled up really quickly here
510. 00:37:37 But the it simply says vulnerability is the last thing I want to see in me
511. 00:37:41 But the first thing I look for in you and right to me that makes a lot of sense and that means that
512. 00:37:47 When other people are looking at me
513. 00:37:50 They want to see me being vulnerable, which is the thing that terrifies me
514. 00:37:54 but
515. 00:37:56 in something like a course that you put together that is about a tool that your life is in
516. 00:38:02 You really have to open yourself up and say, okay, here's here are the things I'm struggling with
517. 00:38:07 Here are the things I'm dealing with and here's how I'm working with it
518. 00:38:11 And when you have something like that that you're just going to put out there
519. 00:38:15 Okay
520. 00:38:16 And then you give people coming in and saying it's a worthless piece of junk and you should never create videos
521. 00:38:20 Again, it's like oh good grief. What did I do so?
522. 00:38:23 Right, right, uh, this is going to be jumping around a little bit, but that's all I think
523. 00:38:30 Overall already
524. 00:38:32 No, no, no, that's okay. I I want to ask you though because she talks about
525. 00:38:36 two different
526. 00:38:39 Two different ways that people
527. 00:38:42 Will appear to be vulnerable, but she says it's not really vulnerability
528. 00:38:47 And I think it applies to what you're talking about with all of your examples
529. 00:38:50 Inside of whatever you're going to create and again, just use the omni focus course as an example. So there's the
530. 00:38:59 Floodlighting she calls it
531. 00:39:02 where
532. 00:39:05 When you when you floodlight, it's almost like you're oversharing
533. 00:39:09 just to
534. 00:39:11 kind of
535. 00:39:12 Throw stuff out there and it can kind of be overwhelming to people at some point
536. 00:39:17 There's another one where she calls it the smashing grab I believe
537. 00:39:21 Where it's like i'm going to share something with you, which appears vulnerable, but really it's just so that I can get what I want or what I need
538. 00:39:30 out of you
539. 00:39:31 and
540. 00:39:33 I don't think that what you've done with the course
541. 00:39:36 Is either of those things, but maybe it's worth taking a moment to kind of unpack those
542. 00:39:43 and kind of explain like
543. 00:39:45 what the difference is between
544. 00:39:47 Doing it in an authentic way because she talks about how like you want to share your story because when you share the story you control the ending
545. 00:39:55 as opposed to
546. 00:39:58 Almost a manipulative way of appearing vulnerable. That's not vulnerable vulnerable
547. 00:40:03 Vulnerability if that makes sense. Yeah, no, I think that makes a lot of sense because
548. 00:40:07 Those two in particular ones that I know
549. 00:40:11 run fairly rampant in social media
550. 00:40:14 Because people like to say well, here's my awesome meal that I had
551. 00:40:20 Tell me how awesome you think it is like there's some of that right here's a tragic thing that happened to me that
552. 00:40:25 Tell a lot of people probably wouldn't be tragic. So you're just looking for some feedback
553. 00:40:29 It kind of becomes a way to
554. 00:40:32 Escape a lot of your own
555. 00:40:34 True feelings about something just because you're trying to get everybody else's feedback and try to make yourself feel better with
556. 00:40:41 Uh, what they are saying as opposed to just coming to grips with how you truly feel and just being
557. 00:40:47 Open with the people close to you. So
558. 00:40:49 Broadcasting things doesn't work. That's kind of a
559. 00:40:53 What what's she call it oversharing? There's some there's another name that she's right
560. 00:40:57 She's a lot of names. I think for some of the same things but I with the course
561. 00:41:02 The one specifically that you brought up the smashing grab where you're putting something out there and then hoping to get a lot of quick feedback on it
562. 00:41:09 Trying to manipulate very quickly and pull something from it
563. 00:41:12 I tried specifically with the course not to do that one simply because I know that is one that
564. 00:41:18 I think for me if I just let my mind run rampant I would tend to lean towards that
565. 00:41:24 So I have to be very careful with that one and I'm aware of that
566. 00:41:27 And the way that I combated that with the course because with something like that it's very easy to put
567. 00:41:33 Something that's somewhat controversial in a video
568. 00:41:37 And then just see what people say about it just to try to get some of that feedback so you're trying to elicit some of that
569. 00:41:42 negative potential
570. 00:41:45 Feedback that can come with it. So to prevent that that was one reason I chose not to allow
571. 00:41:51 any sort of discussion or commenting on
572. 00:41:54 the site which is
573. 00:41:57 That's a challenge that was a problem for me because I wanted
574. 00:42:00 I wanted some way to get feedback from people on if they had questions
575. 00:42:05 But at the same time I don't want to be
576. 00:42:07 I don't want to use it as a medium to try to show
577. 00:42:11 Show off joe
578. 00:42:13 Does it do you get the difference there?
579. 00:42:14 Like I'm not I'm trying to get feedback on you know, how do I make this better?
580. 00:42:19 Or how do you is there a better way to explain this and not show off?
581. 00:42:23 Uh, so I have some ways that I've done in the past with using forums and and dropping comments on it and creating whole discussion sites behind sites like that
582. 00:42:33 And I know how to do that. It's very easy to do. I can spin it up in 30 minutes and it's done
583. 00:42:36 And it's not a big deal for me
584. 00:42:39 But I specifically chose not to because of that issue and I did not want to go down that path
585. 00:42:44 Right, I think that
586. 00:42:47 that particular
587. 00:42:50 Approach and I think the term she used for that is is flood lighting
588. 00:42:54 Um, but maybe that's a different one
589. 00:42:56 Uh, I would argue that it really has to do with the intention
590. 00:43:02 and find what you are sharing
591. 00:43:04 I do think that it is possible in a public forum
592. 00:43:09 to be vulnerable and share a story with the intention and
593. 00:43:15 result of
594. 00:43:18 being able to help other people who are in a similar situation
595. 00:43:22 but the
596. 00:43:23 motivation behind it can't be for
597. 00:43:26 personal gain
598. 00:43:28 so I guess an example of that
599. 00:43:32 would be
600. 00:43:33 I'm going to
601. 00:43:35 air all of this dirty laundry on social media or on my blog or whatever
602. 00:43:39 with the hope that people will
603. 00:43:42 Come and comment and say something like oh, it's it's okay
604. 00:43:45 You know, it's really not that big a deal
605. 00:43:48 Or you don't have to feel so bad or this sort of thing happened to me
606. 00:43:52 uh instead of
607. 00:43:55 Because instead of trying to help other people you're trying to help yourself in that in that instance
608. 00:44:02 um, I think that's the
609. 00:44:04 the uh, the the key there would you
610. 00:44:06 agree? Yeah, I think it has to do with the story piece because there's so much of
611. 00:44:13 I mean look at social medias and and look at the length of these posts
612. 00:44:18 and
613. 00:44:19 Whenever you're just trying to air-lirty laundry and you're just trying to you're trying to get a
614. 00:44:23 Response from people it seems like to me and this I have zero data on this. It's not even in the book
615. 00:44:28 I don't know where I'm getting this other than just a feeling it seems like to me that the shorter
616. 00:44:33 The post the more likely it is that someone's looking for a response
617. 00:44:39 And again, I might be completely off on that
618. 00:44:41 But the ones where it seems like the person is extremely open and they're very vulnerable. They're being very authentic
619. 00:44:48 It's a full on, you know
620. 00:44:51 Hundreds of words maybe thousands of words that they're putting into it
621. 00:44:56 Multiple pictures that explain it
622. 00:44:58 There's more depth to it to try to give a lot more of the backstory as opposed to just
623. 00:45:03 Look at what happened to me, you know, there's there's more detail that comes behind it
624. 00:45:08 So you can understand it in more detail and not just
625. 00:45:12 Throwing it out there my off rocker
626. 00:45:15 No, no, I think that the the shorter
627. 00:45:19 the shorter posts that are designed to
628. 00:45:24 Elicit a lengthy response though. I think I might classify that as like a smash and grab where
629. 00:45:30 She even uses the story in the the book of like a typical burglary a smash and grab burglary where people will just smash the window
630. 00:45:38 And they'll grab whatever is valuable in sight
631. 00:45:40 so
632. 00:45:43 In the especially in in the social media or the online world
633. 00:45:46 I think it's it's definitely possible that you would throw something out there with the
634. 00:45:51 Knowing that this is going to break some windows. This is going to take some people off
635. 00:45:55 and then
636. 00:45:57 trying to benefit from the
637. 00:45:59 resulting bruja
638. 00:46:01 and the conflict that ensues by
639. 00:46:04 dragging things out of out of people
640. 00:46:06 Um, maybe for the intention of using it against them at a future date. I don't know. I mean the the the uh the motives there can be
641. 00:46:14 um, there's probably a lot of different
642. 00:46:16 Unpure motives that that can come out of come out of that but
643. 00:46:21 I just I think of all of the things that I see especially on social media
644. 00:46:26 And when I read that those two extremes in terms of things that are that look like vulnerability, but they're not vulnerability
645. 00:46:33 And it really just made me
646. 00:46:35 Look at that stuff in a different light and really
647. 00:46:40 Kind of dig deeper and look at the motives behind it in the past. I would just kind of like gloss over that stuff and I don't want the drama
648. 00:46:47 you know
649. 00:46:49 but uh, now it's almost kind of sad when I see some of those things because
650. 00:46:53 I feel like a lot of the people that I know that share that type of stuff
651. 00:46:58 They're not necessarily doing it
652. 00:47:02 Because they if you were to ask them that they want the the reaction that results from it
653. 00:47:08 On a psychological level. I think they're kind of conditioned to
654. 00:47:12 To do that because any attention is is good attention maybe
655. 00:47:18 But like if you were to really dig deep and do you realize what you're doing?
656. 00:47:21 Oh, no, it didn't didn't ever really intend for that to happen
657. 00:47:24 But it's like well, what are you doing? What are you posting this for?
658. 00:47:27 Of course, this is going to happen like I think that there's a lot of people who are just kind of stuck in this
659. 00:47:31 Because they're craving that connection that comes from real vulnerability, but they can't find it
660. 00:47:37 Anywhere as an example with social media like the average person I forget what the statistic was but they've got
661. 00:47:45 hundreds of Facebook friends quote unquote
662. 00:47:48 which
663. 00:47:50 Maybe we don't even want to go there because
664. 00:47:52 You get pretty passionate about that that subject
665. 00:47:55 But uh, those aren't really your friends
666. 00:47:58 You're not going to call up those people when you have a fight with your wife
667. 00:48:01 And they're not going to you know, talk you off the ledge so to speak
668. 00:48:05 Those are just people that you've known in your past who probably you
669. 00:48:10 This is a good chance. You'll never actually physically talk to them again
670. 00:48:14 And uh, I forget again the statistic. I should have looked all this stuff up
671. 00:48:18 I didn't really know we were going to go here, but uh, the average the average american
672. 00:48:23 Uh, I read somewhere it has on average
673. 00:48:26 two
674. 00:48:28 Uh, two real friends and a lot of people it's it's less than that a lot
675. 00:48:33 There's a surprising in number. I think it was something like 50 that don't actually have anybody
676. 00:48:37 That they could consider a real friend
677. 00:48:41 And I apologize if i'm mingling those statistics, but I remember reading it and just being like
678. 00:48:45 Completely blown away by the fact that there's a lot of people who are
679. 00:48:49 Believing alive via social media specifically where oh, I've got this great social network
680. 00:48:56 but
681. 00:48:58 In reality like they're hurting and they're crying out for somebody to notice them
682. 00:49:03 It's again another sad
683. 00:49:07 Scenario, but even if your stats are off even if it's
684. 00:49:11 Four and two still that seems still really low
685. 00:49:15 To me. This is my perspective though
686. 00:49:18 Yeah, but I don't know. I mean reading this this book
687. 00:49:23 uh and talking about
688. 00:49:25 vulnerability and
689. 00:49:27 All of the the vulnerability shields in particular
690. 00:49:30 Like all of the things that we we do
691. 00:49:33 Uh, a lot of times unconsciously to avoid
692. 00:49:38 vulnerability when vulnerability in the right context with the right people is really the thing that will provide the the connection and
693. 00:49:47 The meaning that we're after like it's really really sad and I've gone through these vulnerabilities shields
694. 00:49:53 I totally saw myself applying these
695. 00:49:57 Which is disheartening isn't it? It's like you're looking at these things. Oh my gosh. I'm all of these things like this is
696. 00:50:04 This is not good
697. 00:50:05 Right, so I do this stuff too, but um should we go through these real quick?
698. 00:50:10 Uh, sure sure. Okay, so I wrote down the three main ones
699. 00:50:15 The first one was foreboding joy
700. 00:50:18 Which is the idea that
701. 00:50:21 this situation is too good to be true
702. 00:50:24 and
703. 00:50:26 what this looks like
704. 00:50:28 Is that when something is going really really well?
705. 00:50:32 You are looking and watching for something to go wrong your rehearsing tragedy as bernay would put it
706. 00:50:38 Uh, so even when things are going really great, you're never able to really celebrate or be happy
707. 00:50:44 You don't have that joy because you're expecting disappointment at any moment
708. 00:50:50 I hate this one. I absolutely hate this one because so I have a race car brain every time
709. 00:50:55 I'm you know, we go for a walk and our oldest is riding your bike and I think about people
710. 00:51:02 Coming out of nowhere. Just gonna run her over. It's like oh my gosh. This is not helpful
711. 00:51:06 Yeah, no, I do the the same thing too though
712. 00:51:10 But the solution to this is actually something that I have started applying in my own life before I started reading this book
713. 00:51:18 And the solution is to practice gratitude
714. 00:51:20 One of the things that we have done me and my wife is
715. 00:51:25 We have on Sunday nights after we get back from church. We have our family meetings
716. 00:51:31 and we will go over the calendar. We'll go over the
717. 00:51:36 the menu sometimes so like what we're gonna cook for meals throughout the week and
718. 00:51:42 Once a month we'll go over the budget as well
719. 00:51:45 and then we will usually go for a walk take the dog for a walk and
720. 00:51:50 We will practice gratitude and we will talk about one thing specifically and the other person that we are grateful for from the last week
721. 00:52:01 And that has made a huge difference. I can tell you
722. 00:52:04 Doesn't seem like a big deal
723. 00:52:07 but it really
724. 00:52:10 It really is in practice like especially I think for
725. 00:52:14 Brene talks about in the book how
726. 00:52:18 A women experience shame in their appearance
727. 00:52:22 But men experience shame in their their weakness or their lack of strength
728. 00:52:26 Uh, I think that in just from my own experience with my my wife
729. 00:52:31 If I am not telling her that I'm thankful for the things that she is doing right
730. 00:52:36 She can tend to focus on the negative things because again
731. 00:52:40 I have trouble practicing
732. 00:52:43 These things as well. I forebore forebore joy and I I tend to focus on the things that go wrong
733. 00:52:49 and how do we fix this but
734. 00:52:53 That really helps her and also it's obviously nice to hear from your wife the things that she's done right as well
735. 00:52:58 Other things that she's grateful for in you, but
736. 00:53:00 Really the the big benefit for me is seeing the impact that it has
737. 00:53:06 My wife because I can see it's like a huge weight that gets lifted off of her shoulders whenever we talk about these things
738. 00:53:13 I thought it was interesting that Brene brought up that she didn't even research men at the beginning
739. 00:53:19 She thought it was a women's thing right. I thought that was kind of funny, but she
740. 00:53:23 She tells some very emotional stories about how she came to some of these revelations and
741. 00:53:29 They can strike you. I mean going through the process of how she learned
742. 00:53:33 Uh, how men experience shame as opposed to women
743. 00:53:37 It'll it'll make you stop and think but it's not something that you would
744. 00:53:42 Assume very easily, but it's it's one of those myths that out that are out there as that men shouldn't experience shame
745. 00:53:49 And it's just not the not the case. It's it's definitely prevalent
746. 00:53:53 I know I will admit to that and it's one that you know and if you go on to the next
747. 00:54:00 Vulnerability shield that we put on to keep us from being vulnerable
748. 00:54:03 Of perfectionism. That's one that I know I deal with very heavily
749. 00:54:08 I am a perfectionist to a tea and what she gets at with the shield is we put this on so that
750. 00:54:14 Uh, people don't see who we truly are so we can eliminate some of the pain
751. 00:54:18 You know the perception is that
752. 00:54:20 You're perfectionist. You're trying to make every detail right. It's a striving for excellence. Well, that's kind of a misnomer
753. 00:54:26 It's not actually the case. You're really
754. 00:54:29 Just trying to prevent potential pain trying to keep things from being
755. 00:54:33 negative and
756. 00:54:36 It can create a lot of issues and her
757. 00:54:38 Uh, what'd she call it her
758. 00:54:42 Way of combating that is to appreciate cracks and just being okay with things when they're not perfect and
759. 00:54:48 When it's that simple when it's something that's just like, okay, just be okay with this
760. 00:54:53 But i'm not okay with that like
761. 00:54:56 It doesn't work that way, but I get what she's saying where you have to just be aware of
762. 00:55:00 Where things are not going to be absolutely to a tea
763. 00:55:04 And then just learn to appreciate the beauty in some of those
764. 00:55:08 shortcomings
765. 00:55:11 Yeah, and I think that
766. 00:55:13 Because I I definitely suffer from this one as as well where I want things to be perfect
767. 00:55:18 I want whatever battles I fight to be perfect
768. 00:55:21 but the truth is that even if you win the battle sometimes you're going to have scars
769. 00:55:26 and
770. 00:55:28 When I read, you know appreciating the beauty of the the cracks, that's kind of how I
771. 00:55:33 Thought of that is appreciating the beauty of the the scars
772. 00:55:37 so
773. 00:55:40 You ship this omnifocus course and it's not perfect and people are pointing out all the things that you messed up on
774. 00:55:45 That's okay
775. 00:55:47 You at least shipped something
776. 00:55:49 You know and the fact that you have a whole bunch of haters, that's okay those may be scars
777. 00:55:54 But it shows that you've fought resistance and you've won
778. 00:55:57 So the scars I think a lot of times like we want we want everything to look perfect on the outside
779. 00:56:04 We want everybody to think that we've got this all together
780. 00:56:09 And that we don't hurt we don't experience shame. We don't experience
781. 00:56:15 Fear fatigue any any of these these quote-unquote negative emotions
782. 00:56:21 which she really dives into with the book with specifically
783. 00:56:24 specifically men
784. 00:56:27 that
785. 00:56:28 It's okay to have some visible signs some visible remnants of some things that haven't gone
786. 00:56:34 perfectly
787. 00:56:36 And looking back at my own life, I can see the the things that have scarred me and the things that have hurt because maybe sometimes
788. 00:56:43 It's my own fault even where like I just didn't handle the situation well
789. 00:56:47 but
790. 00:56:49 I've learned from those mistakes and I've become a better person
791. 00:56:53 by
792. 00:56:55 not just pushing
793. 00:56:57 past those things
794. 00:56:58 But actually taking the time to reflect and look at those things and glean the lessons that that were there
795. 00:57:04 You know that that specific thing right there that was that was really hard, but it really didn't need to be
796. 00:57:09 So next time when I'm in that situation next time I launch a video course next time
797. 00:57:14 I
798. 00:57:16 I write a book, you know, I'm gonna take this approach
799. 00:57:19 And just the fact that we've gone through those things and we now have a personal
800. 00:57:25 Story we have a testimony we have a message of how we overcame that's when we can share that with other people
801. 00:57:31 When we appreciate the beauty of the cracks when we appreciate the beauty of the scars
802. 00:57:35 And we can communicate that in a way that's not like we're talking about the false vulnerability that can really inspire people
803. 00:57:42 Yeah, I think there's a lot of value there because you know that's
804. 00:57:46 Not being perfect, you know, this goes back to what we were saying earlier people look for vulnerability
805. 00:57:50 They want to see it in you and if you're constantly striving for
806. 00:57:53 perfection then
807. 00:57:56 They're really not going to see that you know, for example
808. 00:58:00 This weekend so I'm leaving tomorrow to go to a wedding and I'm the best man at this wedding
809. 00:58:05 So I get the honor of giving a speech
810. 00:58:07 I have zero problems being in front of people. I'm perfectly okay giving speeches
811. 00:58:11 But there's always this thing in the back of my mind of what happens if I stumble over my words or I said something wrong or
812. 00:58:18 You know, what if I accidentally kick the chair and fall over like what?
813. 00:58:22 What do you like these things run through my head constantly and
814. 00:58:27 Just knowing that that stuff does happen and it's okay. And if people see stuff like that
815. 00:58:33 As long as you recover and you can you know, do the whole self-deprecation thing
816. 00:58:37 As long as you're okay with it. They're okay with it
817. 00:58:40 They're going to be looking for you to admit it and not, you know, get upset and
818. 00:58:45 Pout and get off the stage and throw a fit like they're not looking for that
819. 00:58:49 They want you to you know, step up and be vulnerable in that situation and
820. 00:58:54 If you're constantly striving for the perfection of how you're going to do something like giving a speech at a wedding
821. 00:58:58 You end up giving a really terrible speech because you can never actually let loose and let yourself come through in what you're saying
822. 00:59:06 So I think there is a lot of value in letting the cracks come through
823. 00:59:09 the third one is numbing and
824. 00:59:13 this
825. 00:59:15 uh, we
826. 00:59:17 Talked a little bit about earlier. I think when most people think of numbing they probably think of like the
827. 00:59:24 the alcohol or the drugs, which is definitely
828. 00:59:26 a flavor of numbing but I think that busyness is
829. 00:59:32 Effort to to numb things as well
830. 00:59:36 So the solution to this one specifically mentioned setting boundaries finding true comfort
831. 00:59:42 Uh, just knowing myself. This is another one that again
832. 00:59:47 I I deal with because I've had to work really hard to set boundaries where I'm not
833. 00:59:54 Working all the time or I'm not building something all the time. I'm not focusing on
834. 00:59:58 What I'm creating all the time and I am actually dialing down and taking the time to
835. 01:00:04 be fully engaged with my family when I'm when I'm at home
836. 01:00:09 and uh, just got a quote in here that I absolutely loved she mentions the hustle for worthiness
837. 01:00:17 Uh, she says that
838. 01:00:21 We are a culture of people who have bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough the truth of our lives won't catch up with us
839. 01:00:28 and
840. 01:00:31 That is definitely a vulnerability shield that I have worn in the past
841. 01:00:36 Yeah, I
842. 01:00:40 When it comes to numbing I am one of those busy people that if I keep myself moving
843. 01:00:47 fast and I continue setting tight deadlines and I continue taking more clients than I should
844. 01:00:52 It keeps me at a point where I don't have to stop and
845. 01:00:57 Be me I can just stay in work mode. I I refer to a lot of scenarios as corporate joe
846. 01:01:03 Uh, when I'm kidding with my wife
847. 01:01:06 I was in a scenario and I got uncomfortable so then I pulled out corporate joe where it I just kind of sometimes I go blank faced and I just
848. 01:01:14 Get let's get business done all emotion and all rational, you know, just let yourself go
849. 01:01:19 That's all out the window because we've got to get things done. So it's it's a very bad thing. I think to to fall into but
850. 01:01:26 I do definitely fall into that if let's keep myself busy because then there's less
851. 01:01:31 So less troubling less. I don't know what to say there. There's less
852. 01:01:35 risk of
853. 01:01:37 Having to deal with being vulnerable if I you know am not as busy and I leave space in between things
854. 01:01:44 Yeah, when you're when you're busy you can kind of gloss over things
855. 01:01:50 and
856. 01:01:51 You can just focus on the next thing that you need to do the nest next task on the list so to speak
857. 01:01:59 and I think this actually applies to
858. 01:02:01 To email as well because a lot of people will live out of their inbox
859. 01:02:07 Because they want to feel
860. 01:02:12 Busy because then they don't have to wrestle with the fact that they have not taken the time to identify priorities
861. 01:02:18 And figure out what is really important
862. 01:02:21 You know going back to the the Eisenhower box
863. 01:02:25 You have got the four quadrants
864. 01:02:28 You know the things on the from left to right you've got
865. 01:02:32 Urgent and the not urgent and then from top to bottom you've got important and then not important
866. 01:02:39 the
867. 01:02:40 Default I think for a lot of people is to live life on the left side of that quadrant and just respond to the things that are urgent
868. 01:02:47 And you may actually do some things that are important and urgent
869. 01:02:50 But not a lot of stuff falls into that category. So where does the where do we spend the rest of our time?
870. 01:02:55 Where do all those fillers come from? It's all the things that other people are saying are urgent
871. 01:03:00 but really are not that important that
872. 01:03:03 in my life i've seen and
873. 01:03:06 People that I work with at Asian efficiency the people that the customers that we work with that seems to be the big struggle
874. 01:03:13 Is how do I break that cycle and get out of the place where I am just stuck responding to the things that other people are telling me
875. 01:03:21 Are urgent sometimes you're in a situation like a job for example where your boss is actually
876. 01:03:28 Articulating your priorities throughout your day, but a lot of people
877. 01:03:33 They just willingly embrace this stuff because they don't take the time to
878. 01:03:37 Figure out how they're going to direct their day and what their life is going to be about
879. 01:03:42 They're not going to set those those goals because that's more work and it kind of comes back to
880. 01:03:47 Well, I'm too busy to take the time to articulate my goals, which would make me less busy
881. 01:03:51 You know chicken chicken and egg egg situation
882. 01:03:55 but I saw a lot of truth in this hustle for for worthiness and
883. 01:04:04 just the fact that we
884. 01:04:06 Are addicted to this this busyness
885. 01:04:09 And I really think it's it's sad
886. 01:04:12 You know like I said, maybe it's just because my situation there's a lot of people that we work with at Asian efficiency like this is where they are
887. 01:04:18 They recognize that this is the problem and they're trying to find a solution for it
888. 01:04:21 but
889. 01:04:23 It just seems to me that there are a lot of people who are stuck here who don't even realize that this is a problem
890. 01:04:29 That the average response time to the emails that come into their inbox is three minutes and they're proud of that
891. 01:04:34 You know
892. 01:04:35 They spend 6.3 hours per day an email just like the average us worker and they don't think twice about it
893. 01:04:41 And I think that with this book
894. 01:04:45 Bringing it back to
895. 01:04:49 vulnerability
896. 01:04:50 The fact that we are
897. 01:04:52 So busy that we always have something to do
898. 01:04:56 That is the excuse that we use well, I can't be vulnerable right now
899. 01:04:59 You know as soon as I get through my task list then we can sit down and we can talk about our feelings
900. 01:05:04 But they're never going to get to that point
901. 01:05:07 Because as soon as they check five things off they've got six more things that they have to do
902. 01:05:11 Which is intentional on their part
903. 01:05:14 Exactly
904. 01:05:16 Right. I don't think a lot of people realize that it's intentional, but you're absolutely right like they're using this as an escape mechanism
905. 01:05:23 Which is really sad and we've been saying that a lot these things are sad
906. 01:05:27 But the thing that to me is interesting is well, we're both parents is that they're
907. 01:05:32 She very gratefully went through
908. 01:05:35 some processes on how this can work out with kids
909. 01:05:38 And I think that's very helpful because as parents
910. 01:05:43 You listen to a lot of this and if you read through the book she does talk a lot about how
911. 01:05:49 Some of these shields that we just went through with the perfectionism and the the numbing and such that
912. 01:05:54 We're taught those at a very young age and some of them are in are part of us. They're just our personality
913. 01:06:01 But
914. 01:06:02 There's a lot of the mechanisms that are taught to us. So the question there is
915. 01:06:06 How do you help your kids become as she would call it shame resilient?
916. 01:06:11 How do you help yourself to or help your kids learn how a lot of this works and
917. 01:06:18 My takeaway from that mic is live it
918. 01:06:20 There's there's a lot of parenting advice out there people can come up on both sides of the fence even though they're both really doing a lot of
919. 01:06:27 uh great
920. 01:06:29 Research and and digging on how they want to parent and you can do the exact same amount of research read the same articles and come to completely different conclusions
921. 01:06:36 And it's just you know, no parent can do it the right way and when you're looking at everybody else. So
922. 01:06:42 Ultimately to me and my wife and I have been doing this for quite some time
923. 01:06:48 uh, well
924. 01:06:49 As long as we've had kids we've done it since day one, but we we just kind of come at it from the perspective of
925. 01:06:55 Our kids are going to catch us. They're going to be like us
926. 01:06:58 If I want my kids to be successful and to have
927. 01:07:02 a certain character trait
928. 01:07:05 I just need to live it like I need to be that and if i'm not going to be that if i'm not willing to be that
929. 01:07:11 How can I expect them to be that so?
930. 01:07:15 The ultimate for me anyway of how I took a took a lot of this away from the book was just live it
931. 01:07:21 And and be this and talk to your kids about it and just explain to them what you're doing
932. 01:07:26 Right the the question that she posed is am I the adult? I want my kids to become because
933. 01:07:34 They are going to catch more from what we do than what we say
934. 01:07:40 She also articulates the difference between
935. 01:07:43 Operational and practiced values and she has a couple different examples of those
936. 01:07:47 But I thought that was really good and this is something that i've been aware of for
937. 01:07:51 Quite a while not to say that i've mastered this though because I still catch myself doing things that are not in line with my
938. 01:07:58 Core values and my belief system and then I get mad at myself and the whole why why in the world did I do that?
939. 01:08:05 But it's important to recognize that sometimes we don't do what we think we do
940. 01:08:12 And ultimately we can't give people what we don't have we can't reproduce anything but who we are
941. 01:08:19 And rene talks about how that naturally will lead to disengagement
942. 01:08:23 When we try to do that when we try to tell our kids that you shouldn't smoke you shouldn't drink
943. 01:08:29 But they see mom and dad smoking and drinking then that leads to disengagement because we have in her words broken the social contract
944. 01:08:37 And I believe it's because that we tend to judge others by what we see we judge others by their actions
945. 01:08:44 But we judge ourselves by our intentions
946. 01:08:47 So we can we can justify it in our own head saying well, I want to quit smoking. I want to stop doing this thing
947. 01:08:53 I want to stop getting mad and yelling at my kids whatever it is, you know, fill in the blank
948. 01:08:58 And it's just something that I struggle with, you know, but other people especially your kids they're not going to
949. 01:09:05 catch that
950. 01:09:07 They're going to they're going to catch what you actually do
951. 01:09:10 And another thing that I really got out of that section of the book which I thought was awesome was
952. 01:09:16 Sitting on the same side of the table
953. 01:09:19 As a parent
954. 01:09:21 Tendency can be to go into I'll just call it like teacher mode where you're at the front of the front of the class and they're
955. 01:09:27 Sitting in their desk and this is the way things are, you know, columba sailed the ocean blue in 1492
956. 01:09:35 But what's really effective is
957. 01:09:37 changing the
958. 01:09:40 The seating dynamic and she even tells a story of how she got
959. 01:09:44 A bad grade I forget what the class was but she went in to talk to her teacher about it
960. 01:09:49 And she had rehearsed in her head about how mad she was going to be and she pictured her
961. 01:09:53 Her professor sitting at her behind her big desk
962. 01:09:57 And she was going to say these things and then she got into the professor's office
963. 01:10:01 And they met at this table in her office and the professor sat right next to her
964. 01:10:05 And it completely disarmed her through her through her all off
965. 01:10:08 Uh, and so that's that's something that I definitely want to implement and practice
966. 01:10:14 in uh in my relationship with uh with my kids as well as
967. 01:10:19 Not trying to just fix things, you know, they're they're gonna make mistakes
968. 01:10:24 They're gonna go through things and not just tell them well
969. 01:10:27 This is how you fix it but come sit on the same side of the table and
970. 01:10:32 Understand their perspective understand their feelings or emotions what they're going through
971. 01:10:37 And then empathize with that relate with that and then we can together work to solve this problem
972. 01:10:43 I'm looking at our action items and I can tell just by looking at what we wrote down
973. 01:10:49 But the the primary impact that this book had on us was our relationship with our kids
974. 01:10:55 because
975. 01:10:57 I think there a lot of this is just
976. 01:10:59 One of those you got to under it's an understanding. Here's what you can
977. 01:11:03 How you can see this part of the world in your own life. I don't really think there's a bunch of
978. 01:11:09 You know with something like getting things done the book getting things done
979. 01:11:13 There's a lot of action items that you can take from that
980. 01:11:18 There's a lot of things that you can try to implement in your life after reading that. This is more of a
981. 01:11:23 Just understand how people operate type of book and it's just a it can change a few things
982. 01:11:29 Which is what we've got written down here
983. 01:11:31 But I think a lot of it is just here's how life works
984. 01:11:35 There's a lot of this and I honestly I told my wife this is like this is actually in my opinion
985. 01:11:41 This is a decent marriage book simply because
986. 01:11:44 Right and you can understand what some of these mechanisms are that we use to try to shame each other and keep people from being vulnerable
987. 01:11:52 And how to open up to be vulnerable to build trust
988. 01:11:56 So to me that's core of building a good marriage. So it just seemed like to me this could be a good
989. 01:12:02 Application there anyway, that's a bunny trail action items
990. 01:12:05 It seems like all of ours applied to kids and the one that I wrote down is a change from using the
991. 01:12:13 term you are a blank to you've made certain decisions or certain type blank choices
992. 01:12:21 And the example here is like you were really good today or you were bad today. Well
993. 01:12:26 No, they're not good or bad
994. 01:12:29 each day they're good kids, but they just made some bad choices and
995. 01:12:34 Understanding the difference there and just helping them see that you're a good kid. I love you. You're a great kid
996. 01:12:41 You've just made some bad decisions here and trying to separate the you are a something so that they're separating the difference between
997. 01:12:50 uh the shaming mechanism of you're a bad person to
998. 01:12:53 Maybe just the guilt side of it of this is just a bad choice that was made
999. 01:12:58 Do you get the difference there because it's ultimately the difference between
1000. 01:13:01 How you perceive yourself and how you perceive the actions that you've taken?
1001. 01:13:06 So that's something I want to try to implement with my kids
1002. 01:13:08 Just helping them see the difference in those two because I don't want them to obviously I don't want a parent using shame
1003. 01:13:14 So that's that's the big change that I took away from this
1004. 01:13:19 Right. Yeah. No, I definitely understand that and that's something that we
1005. 01:13:24 We do all the time with our our boys is
1006. 01:13:27 they're pretty crazy and they
1007. 01:13:31 Do some things that
1008. 01:13:35 Sometimes you're just like why in the world did you ever think that that that was a good idea?
1009. 01:13:40 How did you know that idea?
1010. 01:13:43 Right exactly
1011. 01:13:45 and uh
1012. 01:13:46 Yeah, so one of the things we we say all the time is like when we are
1013. 01:13:50 Correcting them and they're getting upset because they're being corrected
1014. 01:13:54 It's like okay. So
1015. 01:13:56 How you respond right here is really important like make a good choice
1016. 01:14:00 You don't have to be upset about the fact that you were corrected
1017. 01:14:04 You know, you can change your attitude right now. We've completely forgotten about it. You know, we can move on
1018. 01:14:10 It's up to you now. You have to make a good choice
1019. 01:14:12 So yeah, definitely that that's really important and then backing up just a little bit
1020. 01:14:16 You know, you mentioned that we're
1021. 01:14:18 All of our takeaways tend to be with uh with regards to parenting
1022. 01:14:23 I think that's because parenting is the easiest
1023. 01:14:27 Everyday application and practice of the vulnerabilities stuff that brine is talking about in this book. Oh, yeah, they force you into it
1024. 01:14:34 Right. I mean kids are
1025. 01:14:37 vulnerable
1026. 01:14:39 They're gonna wear their heart on their sleeves and so you have to match that as a parent like a lot of the stuff
1027. 01:14:44 It's in this book. You you will have relationships where there will be times when
1028. 01:14:49 When entering into vulnerability the correct way is going to be appropriate and you're gonna be able to practice this stuff
1029. 01:14:57 But if you're a parent you can do it in 10 minutes as soon as you
1030. 01:15:00 Right downstairs. Yep, you know, so it's it's instant practice and uh
1031. 01:15:05 It's it's an important it's an important job
1032. 01:15:09 I mean like you are shaping the lives of these these little humans who are you are responsible for keeping alive
1033. 01:15:14 It's my fault there. Yeah
1034. 01:15:16 Right
1035. 01:15:18 So for me there's a responsibility with that too
1036. 01:15:21 We're like I don't want to mess this up if there's a better way to do this
1037. 01:15:24 I am going to try and do the better way. You know, I may I may suck at it and I may make mistakes from time to time
1038. 01:15:30 But I'm gonna own those mistakes
1039. 01:15:32 And I'm gonna I'm gonna be vulnerable. I'm gonna be authentic and when I make a mistake
1040. 01:15:36 like one of the things that that I'd really try to do is when I
1041. 01:15:42 Make a mistake. I tell my kids
1042. 01:15:46 In front of my wife, you know, daddy was wrong daddy made a mistake
1043. 01:15:50 But anyways rabbit trail my
1044. 01:15:54 My takeaway here was it's a small one and I mentioned already
1045. 01:15:58 You know some of the things that I'm gonna try and implement but the one thing that really hit me
1046. 01:16:04 was
1047. 01:16:06 She talked about how when
1048. 01:16:09 She sees her kids when her kids come into the room. She wants her facial expression that they see
1049. 01:16:15 very first thing to be positive. She wants it to be joy that they are now in the room
1050. 01:16:21 And because I've got four crazy boys at home
1051. 01:16:25 I tend to you know, they come running into the room. I tend to deer in the headlights eyes real big like don't break anything
1052. 01:16:33 You know
1053. 01:16:35 So I definitely see myself responding negatively sometimes
1054. 01:16:39 It's not even really negative sometimes, but it's not the positive and I do want to cultivate that
1055. 01:16:45 I want my kids to feel welcomed and feel happy when they are
1056. 01:16:50 in in my presence and so
1057. 01:16:53 My facial expressions are definitely one of the things that I can do to cultivate that
1058. 01:16:57 So that's one of the things that I want to change. I started doing this one
1059. 01:17:02 Whenever I read that part I read it that morning and then I did it
1060. 01:17:05 as soon as I saw the girls next and
1061. 01:17:08 My girls are young enough that they a lot of communication is through body language to them
1062. 01:17:16 The way that you smile the way you act whenever you come around especially our oldest
1063. 01:17:23 I can communicate things with her and never say a word like it's very easy to do with certain kids
1064. 01:17:30 And I think our kids are very sensitive to that and what I found was that I was the same thing as you
1065. 01:17:34 They would come running and they're girls. They're not you know, they're not rambunctious boys
1066. 01:17:38 They they're careful with the way that they run so they don't they rarely run into things Mike
1067. 01:17:43 I don't really deal with that at all, but yet I'm still
1068. 01:17:45 I'm still anxious whenever they take off running through the house and
1069. 01:17:50 Whenever they would do that I would always like be watching, you know, are they gonna knock over that table?
1070. 01:17:55 like are they gonna
1071. 01:17:57 I'm always watching that and I think they picked up on that for a long time and I never even it never crossed my mind
1072. 01:18:02 So I started doing this whole smile first thing and it just completely changes
1073. 01:18:07 Yeah, it's it's a real joy and I I know just from my
1074. 01:18:11 Personal experience that that is well worth well worth the time. So I'm definitely keeping that one as an action item
1075. 01:18:17 Yeah, that's that's gonna be I'm anticipating a struggle with this one
1076. 01:18:21 But I do believe that it's it's worth it my two-year-old especially like he has absolutely no fear
1077. 01:18:27 Yeah, we take him to the to the pool and he just like runs and jumps off of the off of the edge of the pool and he can't swim, you know
1078. 01:18:33 So yeah, my natural reaction is you know, make sure that the area is clear and keep them alive
1079. 01:18:42 Nice, nice. I thought this book was very easy to read
1080. 01:18:46 I had a hard time putting it down some days, especially when she got into the middle of one of her stories about how something happened
1081. 01:18:53 and she didn't use, you know,
1082. 01:18:55 Thomas A and
1083. 01:18:57 Jimmy B like she was real real people that were easy to differentiate but uh, I I really enjoyed the way that she wrote
1084. 01:19:05 She would she had a pretty good mix of stories and research findings in here. So I thought it was very relatable
1085. 01:19:12 I would say it's pretty easy for just about anybody to pick up and and understand
1086. 01:19:17 I agree with you. I really liked the writing style. The only thing I had a little bit of a hard time with was the fact
1087. 01:19:25 That she's a little crass
1088. 01:19:27 And so sometimes the language she's texting really
1089. 01:19:31 Yeah, yeah, I don't know. I had the same issues though with uh, the war of art with steven press field
1090. 01:19:37 But I don't know it felt a little bit different of an application like with steven press field
1091. 01:19:42 You could tell that sometimes the words that he used
1092. 01:19:45 He weighed them very carefully and he used them specifically to make an impact
1093. 01:19:52 Whereas here it just seemed more like every every day conversation
1094. 01:19:56 Um, definitely some other words could have been used and that type of stuff bothers me sometimes. So
1095. 01:20:02 Yeah, no, I get you and I'm I am not
1096. 01:20:06 I would say I'm not as sensitive to that partially because I grew up on a farm and I've worked with farmers for a long time and
1097. 01:20:14 I hear that type of stuff a lot
1098. 01:20:17 So I'm not as sensitive to it. So there are definitely times when I'm reading something
1099. 01:20:23 Or I'm reading something out loud and it doesn't even cross my mind
1100. 01:20:28 Sometimes Mike and I'll say things and it's like, oh no, uh, the girls are in the room like okay
1101. 01:20:32 All right. So anyway long story short. I I don't think that hit
1102. 01:20:38 I don't think that really strikes me the way it does with you, but that's just differences in backgrounds
1103. 01:20:43 I think so ultimately I found it very easy to read but some of the points I think to your point where
1104. 01:20:50 Maybe a bit crass as you're saying, but ultimately I think what I came down to for a rating is about 4.5
1105. 01:20:58 I would put it at I don't think I would go clear to the five
1106. 01:21:01 Uh, not really sure why it just doesn't seem like it has
1107. 01:21:05 The full on five star effect is what some of the other books that we've read has that's my
1108. 01:21:11 One and only rationale you can pick me apart on that one, but that's I think where I'm gonna land
1109. 01:21:15 No, that's that's completely fine
1110. 01:21:19 Uh, I really enjoyed the book. It was very different than a lot of the other books that we've read
1111. 01:21:25 And I struggled with some parts of it
1112. 01:21:29 But I really did like the content really did like the writing style
1113. 01:21:35 Like I said the the language sometimes was enough to kind of snap me out of the
1114. 01:21:40 The flow of what she was trying to trying to communicate
1115. 01:21:44 So, uh, I'm gonna say four stars
1116. 01:21:47 Awesome
1117. 01:21:50 So we got a four and a 4.5
1118. 01:21:52 Overall decent book. I would say good book. I would say yeah, definitely recommend it
1119. 01:21:57 Uh, so what's I don't have the list in front of me. What comes next Mike
1120. 01:22:02 Up next is start with why by simon sinek
1121. 01:22:09 And uh, this was my choice
1122. 01:22:11 And then after that we've got the innovators dilemma by clayton christianson, which is your choice
1123. 01:22:17 So simon sinek he's another one of these ted talk guys. So
1124. 01:22:21 Do you think we should
1125. 01:22:25 I've seen his ted talk do you think it's one of those where you need to
1126. 01:22:28 Watch the ted talk before you read it
1127. 01:22:31 I'm not sure uh to tell you the truth. I've not seen his ted talk. I
1128. 01:22:36 tend to not be a big video guy
1129. 01:22:38 Um, I don't know why but I just never really
1130. 01:22:42 Connected with that. So I've read one of his other books
1131. 01:22:45 Leaders eat last
1132. 01:22:47 And absolutely loved it. So and I've heard from a lot of people that start with why is even better. So
1133. 01:22:52 Cool excited to jump into that one. Awesome. I'm probably gonna watch it because I like ted talks
1134. 01:22:57 Gives me an excuse
1135. 01:23:01 Yeah, so if you have uh, any other recommendations
1136. 01:23:06 uh, do listener for books that you want us to read we actually have a page on the
1137. 01:23:11 Bookworm websites if you go to bookworm.fm there will be I believe a button on the right hand side to
1138. 01:23:18 Recommend a book. Otherwise you go bookworm.fm/recommend
1139. 01:23:22 and you can put in the book title
1140. 01:23:25 and also
1141. 01:23:28 We've got a list of all the books that we have read as well as all of the upcoming books
1142. 01:23:35 So if you go to bookworm.fm/books you can see all of that as well
1143. 01:23:40 And that book list also has
1144. 01:23:43 Some of these recommendations that we get in so whenever those come in I tend to add them to that list right away
1145. 01:23:49 Because I I set it up so it's really easy to do that
1146. 01:23:50 But yeah, if you recommend a book it does get added out on that book list as well and also
1147. 01:23:56 Uh, if you would go out on iTunes and leave us a review. I know we say this a lot. We've said it
1148. 01:24:00 I think most every episode at this point, but it does help a lot
1149. 01:24:04 Uh, apples got some funny algorithms on how they decide who to feature and how people can discover
1150. 01:24:10 New podcasts and it's just a great way to
1151. 01:24:13 Show your support for the show and help other people find it
1152. 01:24:17 So, uh, if you would just go to the show notes
1153. 01:24:19 Click on the link down towards the bottom of the list of show notes and go leave us a review there
1154. 01:24:23 And uh, we really appreciate you guys taking the time to listen to this
1155. 01:24:27 We've got a couple different type of things in the works
1156. 01:24:31 So stay tuned and we will talk to you in a couple weeks.